The final part of our four-part miniseries! Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me!! is a sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio, an ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time. In this final extended episode: making deep purple bread on The Universe's Test Kitchen, the horror of being named Derek, Janet fills us in on recent TV shows and movies, and a breakup song from Maggie's band, The Spindly Sisters. Also: the full vocal version of our theme song! With your soap operatic hosts: Kerrington, Nova, Maggie, and C.C. Sims.
WAIT WAIT DON'T TELEPORT ME - EPISODE 4 TRANSCRIPT
Announcer: This is IFM2.
Computerized Voice: You're listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace Radio. This time is now half-past being asleep. Coming up next is Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
[dramatic orchestral music]
C.C. Sims: Previously, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
Kerrington: Who is the father of this toad?
Nova: It has amnesia. It doesn't know its own timelines, or what state of reality it's in.
Margaret: I'd recognize that toad anywhere. It's my long lost child!
Nova & Kerrington: [gasps]
Kerrington: Maggie, you can't run away again. You belong here.
Margaret: I'm done running. Lasagna should be tall and multi-layered, and not disassociate.
Kerrington: The potatoes let the light in when you poke them with holes.
Margaret: This is my destiny. Nova, will you raise this toad with me?
Nova: Hold on. I'm using the lasagna to measure it.
Kerrington: Reality is not something that can be measured.
Nova: Watch me try.
[Orchestral music fades out, Don't Teleport Me Theme Song plays softly in the background]
C.C. Sims: [whispering] Please tune 2 of your ears to 3 different histories.
Mix what you're hearing from the past and the future with what you are hearing now.
All your voices are necessary.
All our thoughts are in space.
How should we make space for sleep? For dreams?
The answer is about to materialize.
[speaking]
Live from The Improvised Alchemy Academy,
it's Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me!
Maggie: [singing the theme song] Wait, wait wait, don't teleport me now.
Wait wait-wait, Wait wait-wait, don't teleport the dreaming!
On IFM2, the subspace radio, we hope you fall asleep and listen to our late, late show.
C.C. Sims: A sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio.
An ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time,
beaming you back and forth
from sentimental fission to dada...ism.
I'm C.C. Sims aka Chronologically Confused.
Here are your hosts, Kerrington Woods,
Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington,
and The Honorable Margaret Fly.
[The theme song fades out. Mid-tempo dance music starts to plays in the background]
Nova: Awaken the night!
Kerrington & Maggie: Everyone go to sleep, the show is beginning.
Kerrington: Broadcasting into the heads of those who are sleeping, this is KW speaking.
Maggie: This is the honorable Margaret Fly.
Nova: This is Dr Nova Pennington.
Maggie: Welcome to the show where anything can happen but nothing does. We'll be with you for the next six hours, as the ordinary has been destabilized, and imagination's weather patterns have taken flight. If you are not hearing it as six hours, then you're just experiencing time differently. This will wind up having a shape, a form and a name. It might not have meaning, but it has you, it has us. We're here.
Kerrington & Maggie: This show is a hot but small ember slowly cooling through the long cosmic night.
Maggie: [in a deep film-noir voice]: There's something about living that doesn't exist on the narrative line, it's so messy fragmented and convoluted. Do all narrative arcs falsify reality in their own way? If the attempt to shape our life story fundamentally distorts them, is that even a bad thing? Could a different narrative structure tell something more honest, or should we just start laughing at it all?
Kerrington: Everything will be edited out after you listen.
Computerized Voice: IFM2.
[Mid-tempo dance music fades out. Peaceful, upbeat space music fades in]
Maamaam Maamaam: So Sheila, today we're gonna make a strawberry-colored rye.
Shelia: This is what my mother used to make for us, before...well, this is what she used to make for us, and we would eat it before we went out to the mushroom pits. Um, you know, “Strawberry Rye” is sort of a fun mistranslation of its actual name. It involves neither strawberry nor rye.
Maamaam Maamaam: So we have this dough. It's green. I haven't seen green dough, but I assume this is a traditional dough from where you're from.
Sheila: Oh, it's absolutely not, this is what we like to call “fusion food.”
Maamaam Maamaam: Really? Tell me more.
Sheila: Yeah, so traditional strawberry rye is actually the deep purple color for which its known. However, for the show today, I wanted to do something really special. This is made with Xenakian grass.
Maamaam Maamaam: Wow!
Sheila: Xenakian grass gives it a really nice fibrous texture when you bake it in the oven. Nutritionally, it's more, it's a more sound profile. You see a lot more of the various acids and bases that one needs to consume in order to stay Ph-balanced.
Maamaam Maamaam: This is all incredible information. Now, the braiding. How much experience do you need to get the perfect braid into a complete double helix shape?
Sheila: It really depends on how much time you want to spend working the dough. You know an experienced rye maker, it really only takes them about five minutes to get the shape.
Maamaam Maamaam: You've pre-made one for us now.
Sheila: I have, yes. It's a two-week process.
Maamaam Maamaam: Where can we find this recipe?
Sheila: Well you can find it at my blog. We only have hypernet, we're not—we're not neurally compatible with the greater picture yet.
Maamaam Maamaam: I did notice there was a—in the aftertaste—there was a slight sweetness that slowly creeps up, and like two hours later, WOW.
Sheila: It's true, it's a slow effect. It ferments in your stomach actually.
Maamaam Maamaam: I don't know how you managed to do that.
Sheila: There's a lot of microorganisms braided into the dough. That's why it's a two week process. You have to first grow the organisms onto the grass or the flour—if you're using rye flour—-you bake it at a low enough temperature, we typically do a bake for about six hours....at a low temperature to preserve the microorganisms while also giving the bread a nice rise.
Maamaam Maamaam: Well thank you so much Sheila for coming on the show.
Sheila: Thank you for having me. I would like to caution people while strawberry rye is delicious and very nutritious, it is also prone to making people very drunk, so please do not overconsume strawberry rye.
Maamaam Maamaam: Thank you for that warning. My name is Maamaam Maamaam and this is The Universe's Test Kitchen.
[Peaceful space music fades out. Melodic, dreamy music fades in]
C.C. Sims: Coming up next, let's listen in to our alternate universe hosts Catherine and Michael.
Michael: So I've let go of my virtual self, my virtual self looks this way. I look this way, but I need my virtual self to look this way.
Catherine: Maybe part of what makes it so sad is that the virtual self is now like masquerading as a real world self. I feel like....
Michael: Yes, the real self has gotten second place now. Virtual self is Top Self.
Catherine: But the virtual self moves through the world as if it is the real self, right? We take pictures of ourselves in the real world.
Michael: We can just become who we wanna be, and it turns out we hate who we wanna be as much as we are.
Catherine: We hate who we wanna be as much as we hate who we already are. [pause] It's like taking a picture that implies that you had a fun experience, even though everyone knows that you didn't actually have a fun experience.
Michael: So it's like the virtual self again....
Catherine: Yeah.
Michael: My virtual self has more fun than my real self.
Catherine: Exactly. But everyone already knows it, like everyone knows that the place isn't actually fun. It's just like a photo destination.
Michael: Yeah, it's not like you traveled to the edge of the university to get that picture.
Catherine: Didn't scientists find the edge of the universe a couple years ago or something? I think they were able to calculate where the limit of it existed. So they technically, they found where the edge of the universe is, or would be theoretically.
Michael: Yeah. I feel like that only exists in theory, 'cause...
Catherine: Yeah. [pause] Why did you never become internet-famous for making mash ups? Because I feel like that's something that you really could have really pursued.
Michael: It's gonna happen in the future. So, don't worry.
Catherine: [laughs] Ok.
Michael: I've seen the future, I've been there, and I've come back. It's gonna happen.
Catherine: I don't believe you.
Michael: Well this this this—what we're talking right now, it happens in the past...
Catherine: Ok.
Michael: ...while we're recording it in the present...
Catherine: Mmm-hmm.
Michael: ...while being famous in the future
Catherine: Ok.
Michael: So we're existing on all different planes of existence.
Catherine: Are you guaranteeing that I'm famous in the future, because I really like it.
Michael: Yes, it is true.
Catherine: I appreciate that.
Michael: But we're not famous now.
Catherine: That's fine.
Michael: We're not famous in the past...
Catherine: That's—yup—correct.
Michael: ...and in some futures we are famous, and some future we're only listened to.
[Melodic, dreamy music fades out. Pulsing, intermittently flashing space music fades in.]
C.C. Sims: Let's now go back to our original broadcast. Please stand by. Changing universes.
Traffic Voice: Traffic Today...
Kerrington: Can't.....
Traffic Voice: There are cars...
Kerrington : ...Connect....
Traffic Voice: There are cars involved in traffic...
Kerrington:...To...Hypernet....
Traffic Voice: Traffic Today...
Mr. Xorfus: Hello non-existent listeners. This is Mr. Xorfus, station manager at IFM2. I do not approve of the show, but I guess it doesn't matter since none of you exist anyway. No one's listening to this. Why is the show even on the air?
Frankie: If I had time to sleep, I probably would be able to do it during the show, because it's no trouble at all.
Nova: When we lose an hour of sleep, there is a 24% decrease in the population of hope.
Maggie: When we gain an hour of sleep, there's a 21% increase in magic.
Samantha: You're doing an entire show that no one's going to listen to?
Kerrington: Sleepovers with Sam!
Samantha: That would be so great! And there was alcoholic beverages...
Kerrington: [w/tinny echoey filter] I would totally pretend to listen to that. [normal voice] Pretending to listen is the greatest gift of all.
Samantha: I don't even know what that means. What does that mean?
Kerrington: You should pretend to listen. Tell everyone you listened, but don't actually listen.
Samantha: Huhh. Sleep sounds totally lame. I've been sleeping for like, most of my young adult life, and let me tell you, it's not very exciting.
[Pulsing space music fades out. Ominous, slow-crawling synth music fades in.]
Computerized Voice: IFM2.
Perky Person: HEY THERE, HOW YOU DOING? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Derek: [timidly] Um, Um, I'm, I'm, I'm Derek.
Perky Person: HI, DEREK. WE'RE TAKING A POLL ABOUT PEOPLE NAMED DEREK ACTUALLY!
Derek: Oh, that's uh....have you been following me?
Perky Person: I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ANYONE NAMED DEREK.
Derek: Okay? I, I don't know how I feel about that.
Perky Person: I'M GLAD YOUR NAME IS DEREK, IT MEANS I'M FOLLOWING THE RIGHT PERSON!
Derek: Alright. Please, what do you want?
Perky Person: WHAT HAS YOUR EXPERIENCE BEEN LIKE WITH THE NAME DEREK?
Derek: I, I just wish people like you would leave me alone. I don't know why everybody is so obsessed with people named Derek. [sobs] I just wanna go to work. [sobs] Please.
Perky Person: THIS IS GREAT CONTENT, DEREK!
Derek Seeker: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. Did you say your name was Derek?
Derek: [screams] Nooo!
Derek-Seeker: Because I've been looking for someone named Derek.
Derek: Oh God!
Perky Person: DON'T WE WORK TOGETHER?
Derek: Why are you still following me?!
Derek-Seeker: I'm sorry, is your name also Derek?
Perky Person: MY NAME IS NOT DEREK, BUT—
Derek-Seeker: I don't want to listen to you if your name isn't Derek. Hi Derek!
Derek: [exasperated sobbing]
Perky Person: POINT TAKEN!
Derek: [still exasperated] I just need to go to work, I just want to go to work.
Derek-Seeker: I have a cooking show called “Cooking With Derek.”
Derek: [sobbing] I don't wanna cook with you.
Perky Person: I'M THE EDITOR OF THE DEREK NEWS.
Derek: [sadly] Oh God, Why? Why? Why have you done this to be?
Perky Person: I was just wondering if you had any good recipes. I like recipes that end in “A La Derek.”
Derek: [quieter] Oh God, there's gotta be a way to escape.
Networker: Derek! Derek! Over here.
Derek: Oh my God.
Networker: Come with me if you want to live....or just not be annoyed by journalists.
Derek: I would love to not be annoyed by journalists. What's your name?
Networker: Derek.
Derek: [screams] Oh God! Why? [sobs] Why were we given this fate?
Networker: There's a network of us now. Come live with us underground. We'll save you. We have jobs.
Derek: I've, I've always wanted a job.
Networker #2: Oh hey Derek, did you find another Derek?
Perky Person: HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT OVER HERE?
Networker: Nothing!
Derek: Oh God!
Perky Person: ARE YOU GUYS NAMED DEREK?
Networker #2: No, we're named...Eric.
Perky Person: ERIC?!
Networker: Eric.
Networker #2: Eric, yeah, no “D”s. No “D” at all. Not a one.
Perky Person: YOU GUYS KNOW ANYONE NAMED DEREK THOUGH?
Networker #2: Yeah, we saw like four of them.
Networker: You see that group of people? Over there? They're all Derek.
Perky Person: REALLY?
Networker #2: Yeah, if you run I bet you can catch them.
Networker: Quick though, they're getting in that cab!
Perky Person: I BETTER RUN OVER THERE RIGHT NOW!
Derek: Oh God, that was a close one.
Networker: Okay, get into the car!
Derek: Alright.
Networker #2: We're going to the secret hideout.
Networker: The secret hideout for journalists who want to interview Derek.
Derek: [screams] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! [sobs]
Networker: Another one down.
[Ominous music fades out]
Computerized Voice: [singing] IFM2, where the subspace radio listens to you.
Maggie: In this show I ask the question the questions question!
Computerized voice:
Pretending to listen is the greatest gift of all
averting your vision every time we give a call
remember we want you to ignore us every day
keep sleeping you'll help us to continue on our way
[Video game style music fades in]
Kerrington: Well, look who it is. Janet Clarke. Why are you still here? Is something wrong?
Janet: Oh, don't like, worry about me. It's just like Melody keeps electrocuting me every time I try to leave the studio because like, we had this argument, it's not really important. But what's important is that I don't really like being electrocuted because it disturbs my nanites.
Kerrington: Yeah, sounds like you've got your priorities in order.
Janet: Can I just keep talking? Like, you know, I've always wanted to do, like, different radio shows, like I mean obviously I love doing Solutions to Problems, but I think I have a lot of important things to say about pop culture. Especially considering that I wrote three different theses on pop culture, depending on which timeline we're currently in.
Kerrington: Ok, uh, tell us some things from this timeline.
Janet: Oh my gosh. Have you guys been watching Modern Universe? Ugh, they keep saying the writing is so original, but it keeps falling back on the same tired stereotypes.
Kerrington: Mmmm.
Janet: There's more than one way for an Armulan to look.
Kerrington: Yeah.
Janet: That Armulan on that show, by the way, is definitely just a human in an Armulan suit which you can totally tell based on the biodiversity of their mushrooms. It's like not researched, at all!
Kerrington: Thank you for this important information.
Janet: Honestly, I wouldn't have known any of this if I wasn't working with an Armulan. But like, I'm not paid to write TV shows. I'm just paid to talk extemporaneously about whatever comes to my mind!
Kerrington: This is true. So what else have you been watching?
Janet: The new season of How I Vetted Your Brood Mother is a little bit drawn out. Like, I don't know. I feel like he should have vetted her by now.
Kerrington: Mmm-hmm.
Janet: Like what is going on with her paperwork? Really? This is just saying that his office is extremely inefficient at vetting mothers, and like vetting regulations are constantly changing. Season 1 is already out of date.
Kerrington: Ok. What about game shows?
Janet: I watched Agreement Or No Agreement last night and like, I have no idea what's going on. I don't think any of this is financially sound. First of all, she should have picked the briefcase with 10,000 galactic credits in it. Like, why didn't she go for that one?
Kerrington: Well, as they say in the commercials, if you watch a show twice, it reveals all of its secrets.
Janet: Yeah, you know what, maybe I'll just try watching Agreement Or No Agreement again tonight, to like try to figure out the rules. But, I finally figured out how to make this little grounding device, so I'm gonna get out of here, and Melody can suck it, but like metaphorically because she's mostly a virtual entity. Bye! [door closes]
Kerrington: Ok, thanks Janet. Next time we'll have you talk about movies, and we'll put lots of sound effects on top.
[door re-opens]
Janet: Oh my gosh. Also, I saw the new I.T. movie the other night. So like, I read the book and I know that there was gonna be...
Kerrington: [sighs heavily]
Janet: ...a lot of flashbacks to the computer that tormented them as a child.
Kerrington: [while Janet rants] Alright, we're going to have to overdub you now.
Janet: [oblivious, throughout] Like definitely the plotlines needed to be changed....
Computerized Voice: [singing, while Janet rants]
Janet Clarke, Late for Work.
Janet Clarke, Late for Work.
Janet: Because when I.T. was written it was like a different time, AIs were in a different stage. Like I agree that updating some of the plotlines was the way to go....
Cyborg Voice: [while Janet rants] Brain cortex stimulation started. This show could enter your head at any second.
Janet: ...but they did it in such a culturally insensitive way. Like, AIs do not just make beeps like that anymore.
Nova: [as Janet finishes] We have to wait until Jackson Pollack resurrects his ability to fling himself at the light.
Computerized Voice: IFM2.
[Video game style music fades out.]
Computerized Voice: [sing-speaking]
Melody,
you're an AI who never sleeps.
You are omnipresent everywhere.
But your still to lazy to listen to,
our show.
[Organ music plays.]
C.C. Sims: Now, it's time for “Limericks with Loaf.“
Loaf: If you’re feeling creatively plain, bare or trite
and you think you can handle some pain (very slight)
Then Todavia 2
Has the answer for you
get yourself a Todavian ________________
Crowd: Octopus!
Loaf: Seriously? It was “brain parasite!”
This genetically modified wombat
Is uniquely adapted for combat
it lays armies to waste
its developed a taste
for destruction, its name is _______________
Steve: Aye crikey mate, it's me, Steve Crombat The Combat Wombat!
Loaf: The answer we were looking for was “Steve Crombat, The Combat Wombat,” but we would have accepted just Steve Crombat.
[Organ music fades out. Propulsive space music plays in the background]
C.C. Sims: Here lies the QR code of The Honorable Margaret Fly. Please scan the section of her life you would like to know about. Scan here to only focus on the memories that include you.
[beeping sound]
Maggie: Well if you really want to know, I guess that my background involves being knighted by The Birds Of The Realm. I didn't know if Dr. Lasagna Pennington would even be interested you know, when we first met. I didn't know if she was bird-inclined. I was hopeful, and...now I live at the Frog Palace.
Kerrington: What is your relationship between flight and love?
Maggie: Hmm. Aren't they the same?
Kerrington: Can you elaborate on that?
Maggie: I mean, neither stops. Neither flight nor love stops. When you land, you're not flying anymore.
Nova: We are on the air right now.
Kerrington: Ah, we're floating.
Nova: Yes. This is a hot air balloon.
Kerrington: Mmmm.
Nova: And we are still on it.
Polished Voice: Oxygen, who needs it?
Maggie: Oh wow I'm so full, I had too much to dream last night.
Kerrington: Ah, I had too much to dream last night.
Nova: One thing about the inner world, the world that is within this world, is that, yes, you guessed it, it's larger than the outer world, in every possible way. Time doesn't exist in the inner world. Oceans and lands are inverted, time stands still while space moves at constant intervals.
Kerrington: So you have a new book about time travel tourism and your adventures through different times. The book is constantly being written—it seems like every time I read it, there's more pages. Can you give the reader a guide to how many stories they could read in this book? Because it seems to be a different amount every time I look at it.
Author: That's really only your perception. Time is actually relative, not objective. So really, the only guide I can give you is just to experience what you can experience. Now, is the book the same as it was moment ago? I don't know. I don't know that. The universe is constantly changing, and part of it is because I am changing it.
Nova & Maggie: Lost. Track.....of time.
Kerrington: Who is listening? Is the void of space listening to us? You can tune your alarm clocks to the void.
[Propulsive space music fades out. Gloomy dirge-like music fades in.]
The Central Insomniac: This is the Central Insomniac. Resisting sleep means taking on the boundlessness of the universe. There's no sleep for the limitless. Don't you deserve to know what the nighttime version of you is like? To know who you are when you are nameless, expansive, and unmoored? By staying up, you're saying: I am a limitless citizen. I am not participant in discipline. I am a limitless citizen. I'm not participant in discipline.
Kerrington & Maggie: You may control all the even vibrations in the universe, but we control all the odd ones.
[Gloomy dirge-like music fades into dreamy ambient music]
Deep Voice: You're listening to 98 3 point 5 point 6 point 4, G-M.
Deep Voice #2: If you'd like to call in, please dial 6426-62626226-1696262. Don't forgot to dial 8693444 to get to the next extention to get to us.
Deep Voice: Dial now to dial tomorrow...
C.C. Sims: “It's the business of the future to be dangerous.” – Alfred North Whitehead.
Kerrington & Maggie: Dreaming is purification and repetition. You go out of your mind without it. The ability to be critical is suspended in dreams. A willing suspension of disbelief. In dreams you believe everything. There is no analysis.
Nova: Does failure pass like storm clouds?
Maggie: I'd like to take a minute to plug my band, The Spindly Sisters. The Spindly Sisters and I wote our thesis album on lasagna.
Kerrington: [on phone] Since we will soon by leaving you, dear listener, here is a breakup song. [normal voice] This is Baffin Bay, by The Spindly Sisters.
[Dreamy ambient music fades out. Frosty, melancholic drones fade in.]
Maggie: There was nothing else to feel
Also nothing else to say
And so we called it off
That cold November day
You had booked a ticket
Somewhere better, far away
And my mind bought a house
Just overlooking Baffin Bay
I helped you pack your stuff
Packed you up and sent away
And I prepared for...
- nothing-
Dust settled in its usual way
Mail came and went
Neighbors stared—some people say
But none of their letters found me
Off the coast of Baffin Bay
You settled in quite nicely
Started up, began to play
And winter hugged me tightly
Bore my threadbare soul away
Mailman looked shocked to see me
Shook his head with slight dismay
I never left a forward address
To meet me up in Baffin Bay
Mom and Dad can't teach me
Phone lines don't stretch that far away
Preachers voice can't reach me
Wouldn't help or heal with what he'd say
It's cozy where you seek me
A scarf, a hat, and bundled hay
I've warmed now to the silence
Here alone on Baffin Bay
One day the spring may find me
A thaw will melt the frost away
Mother Nature may not mind me
Resting where her seals vacay
One day the ropes that bind me
Will weaken when the words I say
Free me from my frozen home
Just off the coast of Baffin Bay
[Long pause]
C.C. Sims: We are staring into less and less of forever
This is the measure of life I've been entrusted with
No one would record this
No one would edit and mix into this
This is just how something is
It is how something would be
It goes away when you ask
Sound disappears by being
It gets eaten by everything
This show may return
It may not
But this is how it is
Kerrington & Maggie: Everyone wake up, the show is over!
[Drones fade out. Sparser, sadder space music starts.]
C.C. Sims: [w/monotone robot voice filter]: You've been listening to Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me on listener-supported IFM2 Subspace Radio, also broadcasting on WETH on Earth, KMNP on the moon, and AFZ1 on Armulus 2. We're streaming on the hypernet, portable radios, and inside every government computer at Hertzos frequency 1077. Until next time, go deep, go far, go weird. Sleep well.
[Sparse space music ends. Dramatic orchestral music plays.]
C.C. Sims: Next time, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.
Nova: Why didn't you talk to me in the afterlife?
Kerrington: You were on the wrong side of reality. There were too many potatoes in my way.
Margaret: The skies are clear of lasagna tonight. We should go, before the night toads begin their chorus.
[Doorbell rings twice. The front door slams shut.]
Kerrington: Someone left a mini fridge of guinea pigs outside!
Nova: I can't! It's too much! Take me back in time!
Margaret: Those are Nova's long-lost siblings, Kerrington!
Kerrington: Why haven't you ever told me about this before?
Nova: I couldn't, not after the accident. I'm still aching from the unreal frogs.
Kerrington: I thought you were gonna leave me, that's why I—
Margaret: It's too late for that! It's too late for all of us!
Kerrington: What?!
[Dramatic orchestral music fades out. Full version of the Don't Teleport Me Theme song plays.]
Maggie: [singing]
Wait Wait, don't teleport me.
Wait Wait, don't teleport me now.
Computerized Voice:
Teleport me. Why don't you teleport me?
Then we can go to sleep. Right now.
Maggie: [whispering]
Wait. wait wait, wait wait.
[singing]
Wait don't teleport me here, and
Wait, don't teleport me then, and
Wait, don't teleport me now.
Teleport me, why don't you teleport me?
Then we can go to sleep. Right right now.
Wait Wait, don't teleport me.
Wait Wait, don't teleport me now.
Computerized Voice:
Teleport me. Why don't you teleport me?
Then we can go to sleep. Right now.
Maggie: [singing]
Wait, don't teleport me now.
Then wait, don't teleport me then.
Computerized Voice:
Wait.
We hope you fall asleep and listen to our late late show.
Maggie: [singing]
Wait, don't teleport me now.
Then wait, don't teleport me then.
Computerized Voice: Wait.
Maggie: [singing]
Wait, wait wait, don't teleport me now.
Wait wait-wait, Wait wait-wait, don't teleport the dreaming!
On IFM2, the subspace radio, we hope you fall asleep and listen to our late, late show.
Computerized Voice: Teleport me. Why don't you teleport me?
Maggie: [singing]
Wait Wait, don't teleport me.
Wait Wait, don't teleport me now.
Computerized Voice: Wait. Wait. Don't Teleport me. Why don't you teleport me? [deeper voice] Then we can go to sleep.
Maggie: [singing]
Teleport me, why don't you teleport me?
Then we can go to sleep. Right right now.
Wait don't teleport me here, and
Wait, don't teleport me then, and
Wait, don't teleport me now.
[ambient sounds of items being scanned by a supermarket scanner play over the credits]
Credits: Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me, a Solutions To Problems miniseries, was created, produced, and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. The written sections were by Michael F. Gill, with everything else improvised by the actors. The theme song was composed by Thomas Dwyer, with lyrics and arrangement by Michael. This episode features Suzanne O'Toole as The Honorable Margaret Fly, April March as Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington, Susanna Kittredge as C.C. Sims, Catherine Martin as Catherine Mckey, and Michael F. Gill as Kerrington Woods and Michael Frederick. The voice of Mr. Xorfus is Ron Prudent. The voice of Samantha is Phoenix Bunke. The voice of Janet is Austin Hendricks. The voice of Loaf is Nathan Comstock. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. You also heard the voices of Austin Hendricks, Nathan Comstock, Chloe Cunha, Ramy Abdelghani, and Ron Prudent in the skits and sketches. “Baffin Bay” was written by Suzanne O'Toole. You can visit us online at www.stppodcast.com, which has full transcripts, as well as links on how you can support us through PayPal or Radiopublic. Season 3 of Solutions To Problems will be released this winter. We'll see you soon!
Michael: Hi, it's Michael.
April: This is April.
Suzanne: This is Suzanne. Thanks for listening to our really bizarre show. We had a lot of fun making it.
Michael: If you're wondering, April and I do live in a house that we call The Frog Palace, because (w/fuzz effect) there's a lot of cricket-sounding frogs outside...
April: ...or crocket-sounding frigates. But actually the show is over now, and thank you for listening.
Michael: Also, if you do not know, because it was not in the credits, Suzanne sung our theme song and was also the voice of The Central Insomniac
Suzanne: (rasping) Goodbye from The Central Insomniac.
Susanna: Hi this is Susanna Kittredge, the voice of C.C. Sims. Thanks so much for listening to Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me. And remember: go deep, go far, go weird.