The third part of our new four-part miniseries! Wait Wait Don’t Teleport Me!! is a sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio, an ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time. In this third episode: an interview with the only person to successfully prevent Shakespeare’s assassination, strategies on how to be a better eyeball ping-pong player, non-existent callers have a dial tone competition, and another segment with our omnipotent intern Samantha! With your soap operatic hosts: Kerrington, Nova, Maggie, and C.C. Sims.

WAIT WAIT DON'T TELEPORT ME!! - EPISODE 3 TRANSCRIPT

Announcer: This is IFM2.

Computerized voice: You're listening to a program on IFM2 Subspace Radio. This time is now half-past being asleep. Coming up next is Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.

[Dramatic orchestral music]

C.C. Sims: Previously, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.

Nova: You've crossed the picket line of my heart!

Kerrington: There are two sides to every heartbeat: the rhythm and the pitch.

Margaret: You have to know, I never meant it to come to this! I just wanted the frogs, the potatoes, and the lasagna to live in sentient bliss. I didn't know there would be so much personality on this side of reality.

Kerrington: Help me remove these toads from—-[sound of an explosion]

Margaret: Nova, you've got to come quick!

Nova: What?

Margaret: It's Kerrington, [sound of another explosion] he's exploding! He used the lasagna to measure it!

Nova: Not again! I'll delete the measurements from the frame.

Margaret: Don't! The hyper-realism in the tubers will be overwhelming. We need your magic.

Nova: My magic is only for you, Magfly. Let's delete the measurements together. On 3. 1, 2, 3.

[There is a high-pitched sound, akin to a thunderbolt]

[Orchestral music fades out, Don't Teleport Me Theme Song plays softly in the background]

C.C. Sims: Please tune 2 of your ears to 3 different histories.

Mix what you're hearing from the past and the future with what you are hearing now.

All your voices are necessary.

All our thoughts are in space.

How should we make space for sleep? For dreams?

The answer is about to materialize.

Live from The Improvised Alchemy Academy,

it's Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me!

Maggie: [singing the theme song] Wait, wait wait, don't teleport me now.

Wait wait-wait, Wait wait-wait, don't teleport the dreaming!

On IFM2, the subspace radio, we hope you fall asleep and listen to our late, late show.

C.C. Sims: A sound collage of shows heard on IFM2 Subspace Radio.

An ambient comedy outside the frame of linear time,

beaming you back and forth

from sentimental fission to dada...ism.

I'm C.C. Sims aka Chronologically Confused.

Here are your hosts, Kerrington Woods,

Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington,

and The Honorable Margaret Fly.

[The theme song fades out. Mid-tempo dance music starts to plays in the background]

Nova: Our favorite show is on.

Kerrington: Our favorite show is on.

Maggie: Oh, our favorite show is on!

Kerrington & Maggie: Everyone go to sleep, the show is beginning!

Kerrington: Broadcasting into the heads of those who are sleeping, this is KW speaking.

Maggie: This is Maggie.

Nova: This is Dr. Nova Pennington.

Maggie: We'll be with you here in the cosmic night for the next six hours. We don't know if it's six hours of clock time, quantum time, or psychological time, but we do know it's six hours. Here, every night is a fingerprint [echoes], a page in the catalog of nights that each have their own unique sound, depending on where you are in the universe.

If you are awake, please do not interrupt the airwaves as we pursue the depths of sleep. If you are asleep, we thank you for your patronage. Your support keeps IFM2 Subspace Radio going.

Lower-Pitched Voice: [echoing] Dear listener, one of the following shows has never aired and does not exist. One is an archival clip from the future or the past, and one is happening right now, live in the studio. Can you guess which is which?

Nova: Welcome to the show where anything can happen, but nothing does.

Maggie [in a deep film-noir voice]: Thank you for dreaming and sleeping alongside us. We are multi-dimensional transmissions ourselves. Light manifestations, inter-dimensional frequencies.

Computerized Voice: IFM2

[Mid-tempo dance music fades out, mildly-funky lounge music fades in.]

Human Host: So today we're gonna talk about the people who've attempted to go back and stop Shakespeare’s assassination.

Cyborg Host: It’s surprisingly not an event a lot of people try to interfere with. A lot of people think Shakespeare deserved to get assassinated.

Human Host: So, on the planet Las Vegascino, they have a list of all the assassinations that people have gone back to and tried to actually stop. The Shakespeare assassination is actually number 47. There are 46 assassination people go to before that one.

Cyborg Host: Yeah, that actually only has seven attempts. A lot of people were really upset about the Macbeth sequel. And they really, they think that the assassination was pretty deserved actually.

Human Host: That brings us to the topic of our show today. Our guest today, actually took a bet on whether the Shakespeare assassination could be stopped. And he won that bet. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome up to the microphone, McGonnis Freen.

McGonnis: How's it going.

Cyborg Host: It's going real great, we’re so happy to have you on the show today.

McGonnis: Thanks, good to be here.

Human Host: So you made out pretty well with this Shakespeare bet that you made. How did you get into the world of betting on whether past events would actually be changed if people went back to change them?

McGonnis: Well, so like, if you could make money off of something, like a pretty surefire bet was that people would probably try to stop the assassination of people that are generally considered to be pretty cool.

Human Host: Did you have interference from other people who are also trying to, let’s say, game the system?

McGonnis: Oh yeah, for sure.

Cyborg Host: You’re the first, you’re the first person, the only person whose successfully prevented the assassination of Shakespeare actually.

McGonnis: Really?

Human Host: The six other times they were all failures.

Cyborg Host: All failures, yeah.

Human Host: And they have not come back.

Cyborg Host: Well, they were arrested.

McGonnis: See, I thought there was only one attempt and that it was me.

Human Host: Hmm, no.

Cyborg Host: No, at this point in our current day and age… pretty much anything you can do with time travel has been attempted at least once.

McGonnis: So after me, five more people are gonna try and do this?

Human Host: Well, six already have tried. You were the first one successful.

Cyborg Host: But did they try before or after him?

Human Host: I’ll have to check the records on that.

McGonnis: See that's what I'm thinking, I'm thinking maybe they tried after me.

Cyborg Host: They count the attempt from the day that you left, not the day that you arrived in the past actually.

Human Host: So what are your plans for the future, do you have any—because you know they're still plenty of unsolved assassinations that have not been reverted yet…

McGonnis: Well, you know, I thought I would change up the game a little bit and try to actually do some new assassinations.

Human Host: Really?

Cyborg Host: Ooh, that's so fun.

Human Host: Like, like, you mean actually do them and then go back and prevent them?

McGonnis: Oh man, I didn't even think about that one! That is a brilliant idea!

Cyborg Host: So what are some targets that you have in mind?

McGonnis: I was kind of actually hoping that you could tell me.

Human Host: There's 46 more popular assassinations ahead on that list.

McGonnis: What's number 45?

Human Host: That's Pope John Paul II.

McGonnis: Oh sweet. Yeah. All right, it's been good being on the show. I've got somebody to kill!

Human Host: Thank you for coming.

Cyborg Host: Well thanks for- Thanks for coming on.

[Whooshing sound of McGonnis zooming away]

Nova: You're listening to the 96 body temperature FM.

[Lounge music fades out]

Kerrington & Maggie: Why must there be a difference between what you dream, and what you do?

[Melodic, dreamy music fades in]

C.C. Sims: And now we go to our regularly scheduled alternate universe with your hosts, Catherine and Michael.

Michael: You're never going to listen to this, right? It's being broadcast across the world, across the universe—

Catherine: Right, I'll never ever listen.

Michael: Never ever listen to this.

Catherine: Never ever, not even when you play it back to me, I still won't listen.

Michael: So, it's like “Hey, I stayed up for your show, it's weird, why do you do it? Why do you do that thing?”

Catherine: [laughs] Is that what you hear every time I talk about your show?

Michael: It's like it's over. The show is over. Indulgent. Overindulgent.

Catherine: I'm sorry, I don't like your show. I don't like your product.

Michael: It's over, it's over. Solutions To Problems is awful anyway. Why do we even listen to them?

Catherine: Do you really think so? [laughs]

Michael: It's the worst show that ever existed.

Catherine: Your response to that when I was like, “It's not my thing”, you said, “It's not my thing either.” I thought that was so funny.

Michael: It wasn't, it wasn't! But then I got into it, so.

Catherine: Ok, fair enough.

Michael: So yeah. [pause] I wanna imagine that like it's a bird answering the questions. It's like a parrot. It's talking to two droids in that voice [weird voice plays in background]. And that voice is just like, [doing a bad parrot impression] “Well, I think the problem is really that you need to like...”

Catherine: Wow, that's a really good parrot impression! I'm impressed. [pause] Anyway, [sighs] so...

Michael: We're a different...that's before us. This is a different show, we're after Solutions To Problems, because we are the problems, and they are the solutions...

Catherine: Oh, yeah.

Michael: ...or we are the solutions that they couldn't solve.

Catherine: Yeah, we're the problems they couldn't solve.

Michael: And the destiny of solutions is problems and the destiny of problems is solutions.

Catherine: I've been listening to Alanis Morrissette lately, and I feel like what you just said is very Alanis Morrisette.

Michael: Well, that's exactly what this show is about.

Catherine: Hmm.

Michael: It's like an ambient soundscape of comedy where it's like you feel like you're in this immersive weird space with people, closed off from the world, and it’s still artistically interesting.

Catherine: Hmm.

Michael: We're definitely like a sleep aid.

Catherine: We need more sleep.

Michael: We do, we should sleep all the time—actually people are sleeping while listening to this.

Catherine: I hope so. I hope they're sleeping.

Michael: There's a message at the beginning of the show, it says “Please, as soon as the show starts, please start sleeping”—

Catherine: “Please go to sleep”

Michael: —and when the show ends, “Please wake up.”

Catherine: I like that [laughs].

Michael: So they're getting this fed into them subconsciously, where we're saying like [whispers loudly] “stay asleep, stay asleep”. It's like the brainwash that will just wash over them, and just—

Catherine: I love that word “brainwash.”

Michael: Yeah.

Catheine: “Brainwash.”

Michael: Brain massage.

Catherine: Brain—I hate—I don't like brain massage, but “brainwash” is good.

[Melodic, dreamy music fades out. Pulsing, intermittently flashing space music fades in]

C.C. Sims: We now return to your regularly scheduled universe already in progress.

Kerrington: [with fuzz effect] But now no one's listening so we can just be ourselves again.

Nova: Pretending to listen is the greatest gift.

Maggie: How far can you see?

Kerrington: [with fuzz effect] I can see myself five miles away.

Maggie: ...and what are you doing five miles from here?

Kerrington: [music cuts out] If I've done any editing it’s to make sure the mistakes were still intact.

[music cuts back in]

C.C. Sims: We will return to radio silence as soon as possible. [music cuts out again]

[whispering] Is it silent enough?

you want more silence?

[music slowly fades back in]

Nothing needs to happen.
*Nothing* needs to happen.

It needs to happen.

We don't need to hear you.

But we do need to feel your surface noise.

[Pulsing music fades out. Synthy space music fades in.]

Kerrrington: [with fuzz effect] For one million currency units, WHO is buried in Elvis' body?

Kerrington & Maggie: Welcome to computer assisted telepathy. Let me read your mind. Here is what you are saying. I'm just going to repeat what you are saying.

Computerized Voice: IFM2.

Host: It's time for the sports hour! Where we talk about sports. Any sports, it doesn’t matter, it just has to be a sport. Call in if you want to talk about something that has to do with anything about sports.

[Phone beeps]

Caller: Talk about the eyeball ping-pong match between the Siberians and the Sibomanins?

Host: Oh, that was so good! Eyeballs everywhere.

Caller: Eyeballs, eyeballs, eyeballs everywhere.

Host: Did you see the eyeballs?

Caller: Eyeballs, eyeballs in the air.

Host: ...They saw you too. Eyeball ping pong, the only sport that looks back at you!

Caller: So I think there's a really good psychological element when you choose your eyes for the game. When you know you're serving, and you wanna serve with an intimidating eye.

Host: Ah yes, the hairy eyeball strategy, I know it well.

Caller: But when do you think you should throw like a very nice preacher's eye, Mother Theresa's eye, or something?

Host: Or a glass eye.

Caller: What is your strategy on using different eyes? I'm in my own little, you know, local eyeball ping pong league, and I'm trying to get ahead, but I just keep not getting there.

Host: I don't know, let's take a caller to see if any callers haveee any, uhhhhhhhhhh, advice about that one!

[Phone beeps]

Guest Caller: Hi. Yeah, so when you're picking your eyeball, you want to be really careful that you pick one that not only will intimidate your opponent, but also won't intimidate you. You need a really good relationship with the eyeballs you pick. And that's something a lot of amateur players overlook, you know, they just pick the scariest eyeballs they can find without really evaluating how they can relate to the eyeball.

Host: I did not see that coming.

Caller: I know an eyeball farmer is out of my budget, but what are some free options for developing good eyes?

Guest Caller: You know, I have a lot of really easy strategies for the amateur eye, because most people can't afford eyeball farmers, not really until you're in the professional league. The key thing is to spend a lot of time with your eyeballs not playing tennis. You know, you wanna have like a sense of shared experience with these eyeballs outside the court.

Host: Now I've heard that sometimes your eyeballs do well when you raise them next to carrots. Is that true?

Guest Caller: Yeah, so that's um....so raising them next to carrots doesn't really do that much. But, if you puree the carrots and add it to their storage slurry, it really does make a difference in their sheen as you get closer to the match.

Host: Now should you put the eyeballs in another room while you're pureeing those carrots so that the eyeballs don't hear the carrot's screams?

Guest Caller: Oh eyeballs really don't care about carrot feelings. They're pretty indifferent. So it's really up to you if you want to spare them that.

Host: Excellent.

Caller: One final question: What is your take on vanity eyeballs, you know the ones that are like dyed a crazy color? Does that actually help the eyeball or is it just a fad or nothing..?

Guest Caller: I mean, most vanity eyeballs are dyed for the athlete, not for the sake of the eyeball themselves. So most of the time I would just say it is a fad. Most eyeballs don't actually want to be dyed, because it's sort of an uncomfortable process for them, so…

Host: I see.

Caller: Thanks for having me on the show. Talk to you all later. Long time listener.

Host: Tune in again for Sports Talk next week!

[Synthy space music fades out.]

Computerized voice: [singing] IFM2, whatcha gonna do, when the subspace radio listens to you.

[Ambient drone music with jazzy drums fades in.]

Kerrington: And now we'll be broadcasting the thoughts of—

Nova: Tomato.

Kerrington: —the potato.

Maggie: If you put a potato underneath your pillow, what will happen?

Nova: …Dirt fairy.

Polished Voice: Do you like to be clean?

Kerrington: Our boring intern Samantha is here today to bore us with more amazing facts.

Samantha: I don't even know why I bother coming on. It's just like there's nothing else to do at night out here on the—

Kerrington: —Moonplex.

Samantha: It's like The Supermoon was supposed be super cool and full of parties and stuff. It really is just a bunch of cold, empty rooms with space debris floating through them.

Kerrington: So, do you have any advice about dreaming or sleeping?

Samantha: Well, do as little of those as possible.

Kerrington: If you're omnipotent, do you actually need to sleep?

Samantha: I don't really know. I just kind of fall asleep when I feel like it, and then when I don't feel like it, suddenly I realized that I've stayed awake for 45 hours reading gossip magazines, and that I haven't blinked in about three hours. So, uh, yeah, it's kind of a mystery to me.

Kerrington: What do you do after that?

Samantha: I would say that like, I'm in a pretty permanent space of enjoying being an omnipotent superhuman and making boys look at me.

Kerrington: Can you conjure up listeners for us?

Samantha: I definitely could. I mean, God-like powers and everything. But I feel like if I did that, Janet would be so disappointed in me. If I fixed your problem of not having anyone listen to you, this show wouldn't be good either.

Kerrington: Yes, we tell the listeners to go to sleep when the show starts and we tell them to wake up when the show ends.

Samantha: So it's kind of like that hypnotist that I saw at the Groupthink United picnic carnival last year?

Kerrington: Indeed. I like that song that goes [sings] Groupthink United, We're United.

Samantha: Ooh, I know this one!

Kerrington & Samantha: [singing] Groupthink United, We're United.

Groupthink United, We're United.

Groupthink United. United. United.

Ooooooh, Groupthink Groupthink,
Ooooooh, Groupthink Goupthink, Groupthink, Groupthink, Groupthink, Groupthink,

Groupthink United, United, United.

Groupthink United, United United

We're all united.

Samantha: [speaking] And then there's the part where you like do the solo and you go,

[sings] “We are all united, united as one / We have no thoughts that are not the same thoughts as everyone's.”

Kerrington: Wow. I could never get-hit that part, the note is just so out of my range. You must have sung in the choir.

Samantha: I mean, I basically have been hearing that song since I was... well, since I can remember, which is only like the last five years. So basically my whole life.

Kerrington: Well, thank you for being on the show Samantha, it's been very boring.

Samantha: [groans]

Kerrington: I hope you can come back again and be even more boring next time.

Samantha: You know what? MMM! [sparkley sound]

[Drone music fades out. Organ music plays.]

C.C. Sims: And now, “Limericks with Loaf.”

Loaf: A young lazer-ball player last night

picked a fight with a being of pure light

in a world famous diner

gave the shiner a shiner

he’s a kicker for _____________

Crowd: Dong!

Loaf: I'm sorry, that was not correct. The answer we were looking for was “Purple Spaceflight.”

An insatiable blob kissed a droid

and their roommates were getting annoyed

if you’d tuned in you’d know

we’re discussing a show

and the show is called _____________

Crowd: Gargantuan!

Loaf: Sorry, the answer we were looking for was “Love Asteroid.”

[Organ music fades out]

Computerized Voice: [singing]

Just give Frankie

a bag of catnip,

then she'll doooo

everything for you!

[Propulsive space music plays in the background]

C.C. Sims: Here lies the QR code of Kerrington Woods. Please scan the section of his life you would like to know about. Scan here to only focus on the memories that includes you.

[beeping sound]

Kerrington: My name is Kerrington Woods. I'm a Mach II human. I am the actualization of my ancestor's dreams. I'm a space farmer, and I raise toads, lasagna, and potatoes, here at The Frog Palace.

Frankie: Out of all of the 82 shows that I have to produce, this one is the least trouble of all. I don't even have to do any research.

C.C. Sims: “To create is divine. To reproduce is human” - Man Ray

Maggie: I think we need to talk about lasagna, and what it really is, and how everything is lasagna.

Kerrington: [with fuzz effect] Ooh, let's light the lasagna on fire!

Nova: The lasagna is a kind of fire.

Kerrington: [with fuzz effect] Let's film it, let's film the lasagna on fire....Oh, the lasagna is dancing, look at them go!

Maggie: The lasagna wakes me up and says, “Hey, honorable Maggie. Honorable Magpie, hey Magpie!” I don't mind.

Kerrington: [with fuzz effect] No mind allowed.

Nova: You don't mind, but you matter.

Maggie: Aww. Well, you matter too, Nova Lasagna Pennington.

Nova: [with fuzz effect, throughout] Go weird, go far, go deep again.

Kerrington: What is it that you were thinking about?

Nova: Go weird, go far, go deep again.

Maggie: Nova.

Kerrington: Can you repeat the word Nova?

Nova: Deep again...

Maggie: Nova. What was it you were thinking about?

Kerrington: Nova.

Nova: Go weird, go far, go deep again.

Maggie: Nova. What was it you were thinking about?

Kerrington: Nova.

Nova: Go weird, go far, go deep again.

Maggie: What was it you were thinking about?

Kerrington: Nova.

Maggie: Nova.

Nova: Go weird, go far, go deep again.

Maggie & Nova: Lost. Track......Of Time.

Nova: I am a narrative paramedic! What some people would call a script doctor!

Polished Voice: Do you like to be clean?

Lower Voice: Well, what we call now third-dimensional physics wasn't always referred to as third- dimensional physics. They used to, in the olden days, only believe in four dimensions, and that physics covered mostly the first three, with some additions from the fourth. Now, that we move in multiple more dimensions, third dimensional physics is used to refer to what we think of as classical Earth physics.

[Propulsive space music fades into gloomy, dirge-like music.]

The Central Insomniac: This is the Central Insomniac. There are only so many beings who are powerful enough to wrestle consciousness to submission. The rest of us get to experience how long the night can actually be, how it is a lifetime in itself. We learn what one can achieve in their second life as a limitless citizen not a participant in discipline. We're limitless citizens, and we're not participant in discipline.

Kerrington: [on location, singing along to car horn alarm] Beep, beep, beep, beep....

Maggie: [imitating Britney Spears] Oops, I teleported again.

Kerrington: Beep, beep, beep, beep....

Maggie: Oops, I teleported again.

[ambient noises of vehicles outside]

Polished Voice: Do you like to be clean?

Kerrington: [softer] Beep, beep, beep, beep....

Maggie: Baby teleport me one more time.

Kerrington: [softer] Beep, beep, beep, beep....

[Sound of a large vehicle passing by quickly. Gloomy-dirge music fades into dreamy ambient music.]

C.C. Sims: “Asking a composer why it took six months to write ten minutes of music is like asking a microchip designer why it took so long to create an object that only weighs two grams.” — Samuel Andreyev

Kerrington & Nova: Do you have your deep listening certification?

Nova: Oh wow, I'm so full, I had too much to dream last night!

Maggie: Those mental pictures in the minds of wild ears...the river of time may have whirlpools....

Fake Julie Andrews: Pretending to listen is the greatest gift of all

Averting your vision every time we give a call

Remember we want you to ignore us every day

Keep sleeping you'll help us to continue on our way

Maggie: [with echo effect, throughout] Wait Wait Don't teleport me...

Kerrington & Nova: Deep listening certification.

Maggie: ...I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't let me leave it, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't teleport me,

Kerrington & Nova: Deep listening certification.

Maggie: ...I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't let me leave it, I wanna be here, I wanna be in this moment, Don't!

Kerrington & Nova: Deep listening certification.

[A space rooster crows “cock-a-doodle-doo”, music changes to upbeat space music]

Nova: Oh look there's our first caller!

Kerrington: All right non-existent callers, we're gonna have a competition. Who can best imitate a dial tone? Call in if you can.

[Sounds of different entities imitating dial tones]

Kerrington: [on the phone] If you want a different dial tone, please press 9 1. To get to the next dial tone, push 4.

[Sounds of entities imitating dial tones continues throughout]

Kerrington: This show not suitable for humans.

Caller 1: This is my first time calling, I've actually never used a phone before.

Kerrington: Can you imagine this show sounding human?

[phone ringing]

Caller 2: How do I know if the dimension I am in is this right one?

Maggie: [in a deep film-noir voice] That depends on the quantity of your dimension see, how much of the dimension are you in? Is it up to your legs or your stomach? When you waded waist deep in the water of this dimension, I'd say you are qualified for citizenship of that dimension, and the closer the water level is to your head, the more you know that this dimension is right for you.

Kerrington: [played at very fast speed, high pitched] Well, that's another successful show. We'd like to thank you all for not listening and for being asleep the entire time.

Well, that's another successful show. We'd like to thank you all for not listening and for being asleep the entire time.

[normal speed] Well, that's another successful show. We'd like to thank you all for not listening and for being asleep the entire time.

C.C. Sims: Willfully placing yourself in an alternate timeline is possible. On the radio you can time travel everywhere, and you don't even have to leave the space between your ears.

Kerington & Maggie: Everyone wake up, the show is over!

C.C. Sims: You've been listening to Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me on listener-supported IFM2 Subspace Radio, also broadcasting on WETH on Earth, KMNP on the moon, and AFZ1 on Armulus 2. We're streaming on the hypernet, portable radios, and inside every government computer at Hertzos frequency 1077. Until next time, go deep, go far, go weird. Sleep well.

[Upbeat space music fades out. Dramatic orchestral music plays.]

C.C. Sims: Next time, on Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me.

Margaret: Step away from the frogs, Nova.

Nova: Kerrington would have wanted it this way!

Margaret: Put the toads back. The lasagna will see you now.

Nova: Haven't we given up enough already? You can't stop me from my dreams!

[A howling wind is heard, crescendoing into the sound of a laser]

Kerrington: Is that you, Margaret?

[Howling wind increases]

Nova: Kerrington, you've returned from the dead!

Margaret: I put the eyes on the potato and finally you were able to see.

Kerrington: It was all just a dream.

Margaret: If only waking from a dream could keep us from unreality.

Kerrington: If only-

Nova: Then I wouldn't have all these secrets.

[Dramatic orchestral music fades out. Don't Teleport Me theme plays softly over the credits.]

Credits: Wait Wait Don't Teleport Me!!, a Solutions To Problems miniseries, was created, produced, and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. The written sections were by Michael F. Gill, with everything else improvised by the actors. The theme song was composed by Thomas Dwyer, with lyrics and arrangement by Michael. This episode features Suzanne O'Toole as The Honorable Margaret Fly, April March as Dr. Nova Lasagna Pennington, Susanna Kittredge as C.C. Sims, Catherine Martin as Catherine McKey, and Michael F. Gill as Kerrington Woods and Michael Frederick. The voice of Samantha is Phoenix Bunke. The voice of Loaf is Nathan Comstock. The voice of Frankie is Valerie Loveland. You also heard the voices of Austin Hendricks, Nathan Comstock, Chloe Cunha, Ramy Abdelghani, and Ron Prudent in the skits and sketches. You can visit us online at www.stppodcast.com, which has full transcripts, as well as links on how you can support us through PayPal or Radiopublic. Season 3 of Solutions To Problems will be released this winter. We'll see you soon!