Samantha presides over a meeting of IFM2 Subspace Radio interns, but is interrupted by the news that Janet and Loaf are missing. Meanwhile, Janet and Loaf work their way through different dimensions, meeting up with an alternate Janet and an unexpected alternate Melody.
Mini-episode 5: The Council of Interns / The Handoff
(lo-fi beats. A gavel bangs on a table.)
Sam: I hereby call this meeting of the council of the interns to order. Roll call! Gerald?
Gerald: *makes Gerald noises*
Sam: Makathena?
Makathena: I am here Samantha! You can see me here, and there are only four of us! Forego this silly ritual!
Sam: I have to confirm everyone is present for the meeting, Makathena. Those are the rules, and it’s been made very clear to me that I need to follow the rules. Norvik?
Norvik: Here, but what’s this “council of the interns”? I mean I thought we were the Solutions to “Solutions to Problems” Problems Taskforce.
Makathena: Norvik! Did you not read the preparatory e-mails!? Frankie said that name was “ridiculous” and told Samantha to choose a different name!
Norvik: If I am interpreting the human cultural references correctly, is not “council of interns” equally ridiculous?
Sam: I don’t think so. A little tongue-in-cheek maybe, but accurate. Ok, so Gerald are you taking minutes?
Gerald: *Gerald noises*
Sam: Great. Ok, so the first thing on the agenda is, uh, synonyms?
Norvik: Yes, we are out. Someone is using a lot in their coffee.
Makethena: Norvik! Sam clearly said “synonyms” as in words with similar meanings. Reveal your ignorance of the aforementioned e-mails one more time and I will-
[Sound of a blade being drawn.]
Sam: Mak? Mak? Do you remember Mr. Xorfus’s rule that he made you agree to when he gave you this internship?
Makathina: *very soft* …no ritual combat.
Norvik: What was that?
Makathina: No ritual combat! Sometimes I forget I am working for a group of cowards.
Sam: Moving on. As Makathina helpfully pointed out, our task is to look for more synonyms for “solutions” and, uh, “problems”. Apparently, like, when Janet and Loaf started doing this bit at the beginning of every episode where they say “Welcome to Solutions to Problems, the show where we provide ____ for your ____ they really didn’t consider how quickly they would run out of words to fill in the blanks. So that’s our first job. Ideally we need 40 of each.
Gerald: *Gerald noises.*
Makathina: Come on! Human standard has more different ways of saying the same thing than almost any other affiliate language!
Norvik: If I remember correctly, most of the translated versions of the show started repeating a while ago. Maybe it’s time for us to do the same?
Makathina: Hah! And admit defeat at the hands of this insignificant task? You spineless welp! I have no idea why Mr. Xorfus hired you.
Norvik: Perhaps it was my winning personality. Unlike some people I know. Or, you know, maybe it was my useful cybernetic enhancements. Who can say?
Sam: Hello! Guys! I am trying to run a meeting here, and it's kind of important it go well if I want to show everyone that I’m a mature, responsible adult or whatever, so can we please just stop bickering?
Gerald: *A long speech in Gerald noises*
Sam: Thank you Gerald. Ok, so on your tablet you’ll find a list of all of the synonyms we’ve already used. As you can see, the chance of finding an individual word for either one is almost nonexistent. So what we’re really looking for is elaborate metaphors and figures of speech, I guess? Anyway, consider that your homework? It’s really not that hard. Janet says that anything can be a metaphor. Like this marker? Welcome to Solutions to Problems, where we provide markers for your whiteboards. You know? Like, it’s that easy.
Makathena: Uh- uh- Where we provide ritual bone-knives to eviscerate the Catablian Mizzfworts of your pathetic love-lives!
Sam: Great, I love it.
Norvik: I believe Loaf had a pet Mizzlefwort as a child, and I’m not so certain eviscerating one is a metaphor he would appreciate.
Makathena: *angry sigh*
Sam: Uh, yeah, that makes sense. But the concept is solid. Ok, next order of business- Mr. Xorfus was hoping we could get a celebrity guest on the show. Do any of you know any celebrities?
Makathena: Ooh ooh! My older brother was a famous kvachtar duelist.
Sam: That’s great.
Makathena: Unfortunately he was defeated in the championship last spring.
Norvik: So his fame and prestige has decreased? Would he be less of a “Get”?
Makathena: No, my family devoured him for dishonoring us with his weakness.
Norvik: Oh my.
Makathena: His bones were delicious though.
Sam: Weird flex, but-
*door opening sounds*
Mr. Xorfus: Whatever you were working on, table it. We’ve got an emergency on our hands.
Sam: Oh no! What happened?
Mr. Xorfus: Janet happened. She took Loaf and vanished somewhere. I need you to bring them back.
Sam: Where did they go?
Mr. Xorfus: I don’t know! But can’t you just, you know… [clopping]
Sam: Uh, I can try. Uh, here we go, okay...
*Sam sparkly noises*
*pause*
Mr. Xorfus: That’s a ham sandwich and a jar of crickets.
Sam: Yeah, so my powers haven’t been as, um, reliable lately as they were. But they’re coming back. Very soon. Very quickly.
Mr. Xorfus: Are you telling me, I hired a teenage biped with no experience in radio because she had magic powers, and she doesn’t even have magic powers anymore?
Sam: Hey that’s not fair! Internships are where you’re supposed to get experience! And as for my powers, uh, I don’t know. I can still do little things. I mean, uh, they might come back. They’re probably coming back at any moment. But…
Mr. Xorfus: But?
Sam: Well, Officer Nassif said it might just be residual Groupthink energy from the burst that created me, and if that’s true, it makes sense that after I used it all up it would just kinda be… gone.
Mr. Xorfus: And you’d just be a normal teenager.
Sam: A normal teenager with a great internship!
Mr. Xorfus: *deep sigh* Alright. Frankie and I are going to work on getting Janet and Loaf back. You three work with Melody and figure out a plan for how to keep the show on the air until we do.
Sam: You can count on us, sir!
*blade noises*
Makathena: There are four of us!
Gerald: *noises*
*door closing noises*
Sam: Okay, so, uh, back to the drawing board, people! How do we do Solutions to Problems without its stars?
Music fades out. The scene transitions to the sound of wind blowing, clocks ticking, and an engine whirring.
Loaf: As much as I’m enjoying this vacation, I do feel like I need to ask you why exactly it was so, uh, abrupt. If we’d had a little warning, we might have been able to pre-record an episode or two for broadcast.
Janet: You know, I just, I feel like you gotta live in the moment. I mean, YOU just broke away from TRADITION, so why not break away from everything else? Who needs jobs anyway? Like, who needs things?
Loaf: Well, in the last universe, apparently no one. But when we get back to our own, capitalist universe-
[beeping sound]
Janet: [distracted] Hang on. [beeping continues] We’re almost there. What were you saying?
Loaf: Just wondering about the impetus for this excursion--
Janet: [interrupting] Spontaneity! … Do you remember… do you remember the show that we did, right before we jumped?
Loaf: Not terribly well, it’s hazy. I’m not sure my advice-giving was, uh, on point.
Janet: Yeah, that’s...probably for the best. That you don’t remember.
Loaf: Uh, where are we going right now?
Janet: Just gonna meet some other Janets. You know, the usual. It’s like, in a cute little pocket dimension. And we’re just...hanging out. Like Janets do.
Loaf: And I am allowed in this… Janet dimension?
[three beeping sounds in a row]
Janet: Loaf! Loaf, it would be irresponsible of me, as your multidimensional guide, to leave you stranded in a strange universe, despite the fact that you stranded me in karaoke hell.
Loaf: You were having fun-
Janet: YEAH! BEFORE I WAS ABANDONED. Where even WERE you? No, you know what? I don’t want to know. Don’t ever tell me, actually. But anyway, the Janets are, like all curious about you. They only know you from like the radio.
[Portal noise. Ghostly sounds, wind, tree creaking, insects scurrying]
Janet: Here we go!
Loaf: This is the right place?
Janet: Um, yeah. Three beeps!
Loaf: Hmm, it’s a little, errr, I mean… there appear to be a lot of very… large... arachnid… corpses?
Janet: That’s just the exoskeletons they shed. They’re still alive. But don’t worry, we are paid up on rent. There was like, this one month where we were late, and, oh my gosh, it was so funny, because we almost died.
[There is an electronic buzzing sound, followed by footsteps]
Other Janet: Finally, you made it! Do you have the--Oh wow, you really brought him.
Janet: Oh, um, hi. Yes, I have the… uh… smuggled…. Baked goods. That you asked for. And also my current travelling companion
Other Janet: I meant do you have the-
Janet: Yeah, I have the thing!
[Janet hands a bag over to the other Janet, there is a sound of a bag unzipping]
Other Janet: Yep. That’s a multi-asynchronuous - bag of delicious muffins and scones! Mmmmm. Thanks Janet!
[There’s a buzzing sound and a pop as Other Janet leaves.]
Janet: Oh, uh, bye!
Loaf: That was...brief.
Janet: Well, you know Janets. Never ones to stick around and chit-chat.
Loaf: That… has not been my experience.
Janet: So anyway, while we’re here, do you want to meet our landlord? Well, landspider actually. Gosh, you’d love them. They are so funny! You just can’t stare into their eyes for too long because in this dimension they give off a small amount of what might be ionizing radiation.
Loaf: I think I will pass on that opportunity.
Janet: Fiiiine, I guess we can go back. Hands- well, tentacles- things, appendages whatever, back on the handle, Loaf. Coordinates set toooo home. Well, eventually home. Well, the home that we came from. Your home dimension. I kind of feel like I have a lot of home dimensions, you know? Got a lot of little hidey holes like this. Well, not exactly like this, obviously, because most of them don’t have landspiders. Okay, here we go.
[dimensional travel noises are heard]
Loaf: [over the travel nosies] This has been a nice break, but it will be lovely to get back to normal. Other dimensions are so unpredictable in terms of food and hygiene products. Plus I still really need to-
[There is a sound of an explosion. Loungey background music fades in]
Janet: Are you okay? What were you saying? You were saying something.
Loaf: What happened to the, uh, friend-handle?
Janet: Oh, umm, I’m sure it’s fine.
[sound of something catching on fire]
Loaf: It does not look fine.
[There’s a mechanical sound, similar to the one that Melody makes when she enters]
Melanie: Hey, what are you two organics doing in my studio?
Janet: Oh! Melody!
Melanie: Um, no. My name is Melanie. Who are you?
Loaf & Janet: (in unison) FLARF.
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This mini episode features Phoenix Bunke as Samantha, Emily Duggan as Makathena, Dallas Wheatley as Norvik, Chloe Cunha as Melody -
Melanie: Um, no, my name is Melanie.
Michael: And Ron Prudent as Mr. Xorfus. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back again in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems!