Samantha the omnipotent teenager returns to fill Janet's voicemails with problems about high school melodrama, the financial crisis of the 26th century, and whether or not she is a real person. Will Janet ever call her back? Sure, right after this coffee break with Melody...
[Soft, bell like electronic music plays]
Janet: Helloooooo! You’ve reached Janet Clarke’s personal phone. Please leave your message after the weird, screechy beep noise.
Samantha: Hi Janet! It’s Samantha. Melody gave me your number. I didn’t even have to use my god-like powers or anything to get it. Thanks for the recent on-air name check! I am going to like, respect your wishes and stop appearing in the break room, but you know, as someone who donated 277 currency units during your last pledge drive, I am entitled to the "Janet personally listens to 5 of your problems" reward. So, like, my new boyfriend Luke does NOT get along with my snurblatch Igor. Is this a bad sign? Last week he stood me up at the malt shop just so he could hang out with his football buddies. I don't want to turn him into a caterpillar, but I'm pretty tempted. Anyway, let's talk. This is serious.
Samantha: Ugh, Janet, I'm so annoyed. Luke broke up with me, and I don't know what to do. He said I'm too much of a control freak! He wants to date someone without supernatural powers for once. I’m not even supernatural! Like, just because I'm omnipotent doesn't mean I don't experience normal teenage boredom. [Extended sigh] ...Is this that "teen angst" feeling you are always talking about? It's dumb. Is there anything I can do to help you guys on the show? I can totally shut down the MoonplexTM for you. Maybe we could go time-traveling together? Legally, of course. My parents will be super upset if I'm not back home before curfew, regardless of what timeline I'm in. Let me know.
Samantha: Okay, I've done some research on your listeners, like you asked, and yeah, most of them don't rate your problem solving skills as high as your pleasurable, mind-distracting banter? The problem is, the listeners keep calling me back and asking me to use my powers to solve their problems. I keep telling them that if I did that, there would be no radio show and life would be like, so boring. Besides, I'm a teenager, what do I know about fixing the sub-prime mortgage crisis of the 26th century? Also, I attended one of those GroupThink United meetings that you are so interested in. I can send you the transcript. I still believe I'm a real person, but I think I'm starting to understand your whole "conditioning" angle. Anyway, you still haven't let me know which of the 7 prom dresses I sent you is your favorite. I need to know, Janet! This is important.
Samantha: Jaaneeet! Why haven't your returned my calls? I'm in trouble here! I have two dates during the same night! I need you to help me plan this out so both go smoothly. Don't leave me hanging! I have a lot of feelings.
[The music fades from the voicemail music to a jaunty background beat. Liquid is being poured, and a mechanical whirring indicates Melody’s attention.]
Melody: Hello there, Janet.
Janet: (annoyed) Yees?
Melody: (with a feigned disinterest) I just wanted to let you know that, well. You have several voicemails, and since I stopped calling you, they’re not from me anymore, but. You might want to check them out.
[As Janet talks, you can hear the soft thudding of a coffee stirrer moving in a paper cup.]
Janet: Oh, yeah, that’s just like that teenager. She does that sometimes. It’s fine. I’ll check them later when I am ready to deal with teenage nonsense… which is not right now. Right now is time for coffee.
[Janet pours sugar into the cup]
Melody: You really should read the label before you just drink whatever's in the pot.
Janet: Why wouldn't it be coffee? I'm the one who brought in this coffee machine anyway because the weird, you know, 3D coffee printer doesn’t actually do anything except give you tablets?
Melody: You know, it’s very easy to criticize a robot when you aren’t one. Anyway, it could be decaffeinated.
Janet: So useless, but like, whatever. .Even decaffeinated coffee still has caffeine. Anyway, what do you think about my-
[Sparkling noise quickly followed by a thud]
Janet: (shrieks as she spills the coffee) WHY? WHY? THIS IS A NEW SWEATER SAMANTHA. WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season Two was written by Austin, Nathan and Michael. This mini episode features Phoenix Bunke as Samantha and Chloe Cunha as Melody. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of each episode and links to support us through PayPal and/or Radio Public. You can also rate and review us in Apple Podcasts or tag us on social media, our handle is stp_podcast. We’ll be back again in two weeks with another full length episode. See you soon.