The network of Janets hold court and confront a certain Janet who has been jeopardizing their plans. Meanwhile, Officer Nassif "accidentally" runs into Loaf and Muffin at Crazy Zifle's Zaffy Trifles, the finest Flisnorp patisserie in the whole sector.
Mini Episode 12: Groupchat
Robot voices: Connecting to the conference call already in progress. Please Hold.
(Dial tone, numbers being dialed.)
Janet 1: JANET. You have been brought before the council of Janets to answer for your recent behavior. And also for being a little bit of a dummy.
Janet: Yeah, but like, is it really a council? It’s just the same people that are here every time. Are we always a council? Who do we govern? Like, ourselves? Like, I guess we each have our own little Janet posses that we’re in charge of, but I think that technically makes us a republic. But, like, maybe not though because we’re not elected.
Janet 2: Okay, but republic or not, we are a council now, because, well mostly because it felt silly to say “groupchat”, but, like, we all decided it.
Janet: Ugh, fine.
Janet 3: FIRST, you were like, really reckless with the heist.
Janet: Not *unusually* reckless though. It’s just that, you scheduled it right before I was supposed to go on air!
Janet 1: Um, yes, because of the guard schedule.
Janet: There are other Janets!
Janet 2: Other Janets didn’t like, help us plan the heist. Besides, you were the one being called in for questioning. It just made sense!
Janet: THEY CAN’T TELL US APART. I didn’t even get to USE it.
Janet 3: Well, that’s fine. Because TWO, you’ve been rude and talking trash behind our backs.
Janet: Oh my gosh, chill out, it’s not that serious! I just think I want to hang out with other people sometimes.
Janet 2: Yeah, but, it hurt our feelings, you know?. We all have our own lives too, okay? It’s not our fault if your entire sense of self worth is based on your relative value to our multidimensional collective and you’re only now realizing that your interactions with us aren’t like, maybe the healthiest for you emotionally.
Janet: I’m not gonna ghost.
Janet 3: THIRD, thiiiird...um...(quietly, to other Janet) What was three?
Janet 1: Going back.
Janet 3: THIRD, you are gonna get yourself in trouble! Why did you go home? You were, like, on public radio! Just because you don’t have the device anymore doesn’t mean you didn’t do the crime. Because like, TARTI knows you did crimes.
Janet: You know, maybe it’s fine if I get in trouble. Like, maybe we should’ve been getting in trouble this WHOLE TIME.
Janet 2: Oh my Lord, you cannot buy into authoritarianism now.
[music changes]
[restaurant sounds]
Muffin: These are delicious! Thanks for taking me here, protodad!
Loaf: Oh of course. You can’t visit the IFM 2 Subspace Radio Station without stopping at Crazy Zifle’s Zaffey Trifle Shop.
Muffin: Can I go to the gift shop? I want one of those little unicycles!
Loaf: Well, it’s not a unicycle, it’s their- you know what, go ahead.
Muffin: Yay!
[munching noises]
Nassif: Loaf! What a surprise. [Nassif is not surprised at all.]
Loaf: Oh, hello Officer Nassif. What are you doing here?
Nassif: Well, you spoke so highly of this place on air, I thought I’d give it a try.
Loaf: I thought you were human, though.
Nassif: What?
Loaf: The mercury poisoning?
Nassif: Oh, uh, you know. Time… paradoxes. Mercury. Cancels out.
Loaf: That doesn’t sound correct, but I don’t know enough about human biology to dispute it. I’m constantly learning new unintuitive things about you all.
Nassif: Yeah, it’s correct. Just a fun little quirk. Law enforcement officers would never lie to a fellow entity. How are you doing… with… your divorce?
Loaf: Oh, uh, thank you for asking. To be perfectly honest, I’m doing terribly. Well, not terribly well, anyway. Some of my… ex-broodmates managed to wake a brood officiator from its slumber. Apparently there’s a whole ritual… they’re not happy about having to give their own bodily fluids to do it. Anyway, we’ve been meeting over subspace radio, trying to hash out some sort of co-parenting agreement and that’s been… interesting. We’re doing audio only because, you know- seeing each other brings up a lot of feelings, and of course the brood officiator is just… hideous to behold. So, uh, yeah. Just trying to navigate new relationships with all of them. It’s… a lot, frankly. A lot of feelings to process, you know?
Nassif: Mhm. That is a suboptimal situation to be in.. my… friend. My romance that I recently had also did not end well. We attempted to... have a pleasant relationship and instead... did not.
Loaf: Oh. I am sorry about that. But honestly, you probably dodged a proverbial laser blast. Relationships are kind of like zaknor grubs. They look so tasty and appetizing, but when you finally have one in your stomach you realize it wasn’t properly killed and it metamorphosizes into a horrible psychic moth.
[music changes]
[conference call sounds]
Janet: I have no idea why they haven’t arrested me yet! They probably think I’ve hidden the Multi-Asynchronous whatever somewhere, but, like, maybe it’s fine. I don’t know. I just want to be home. I like, never want to be home, but I do now. I even missed Loaf--wait, no--I even missed Sam, it was so annoying. Like, ugh.
Janet 1: Officer Nassif can definitely get a time warrant for your arrest! This whole thing only keeps working if you stay out of your home universe.
Janet: That’s the whole problem! I want to be home! I want to be with my friends and on the radio, and I don’t care what happens! I LIKE things. I almost never like things!
Janet 2: [sighs] I don’t even know who you are anymore.
Janet 3: Not a Janet, clearly.
Janet: You guys don’t have FRIENDS?
Janet 2: Um, my friends are here.
Janet: Oh my gosh. Oh my - you know what. I can’t keep doing this.
Janet: I’M LEAVING THE GROUP CHAT.
[Janets collectively gasp.]
Janet: IF YOU WANT ME OUT OF MY HOME UNIVERSE YOU’LL HAVE TO DRAG ME OUT YOURSELVES. I’ll. I”LL CALL THE POLICE ON MYSELF. I DON’T CARE.
[beeping/phone disconnecting sound]
Janet 1: She won’t call the police … Right?
Janet 2: No, of course not. Don’t worry, she’ll come around. At least I think she will.
Janet 3: Oh, for sure. We’ve only ever lost 13 Janets. [beat]
So like, that new episode of Timebusters I sent, huh?
Janet 2: Ugh, yeah. I still refuse to believe that David Hasselhof is dead, but it’s not looking good..
[music changes]
[restaurant sounds]
Nassif: I also wanted to ask you about, uh, your little “vacation” with Janet. Just, you know, as an acquaintance asking an acquaintance about a recent experience. Not as part of any sort of ongoing investigation or anything.
Loaf: Oh, yes, it was an excellent way to keep my mind off the divorce. It was nice to see how other radio shows operate. I don’t want to say we saw some things we might want to emulate but we definitely saw some things we want to avoid. And on a more, uh, personal note I did have a very pleasant evening with a certain--
Nassif: Oh, uh, I meant more, what you did with Janet-
Loaf: That is what I did with Janet. We visited alternate- *catches himself* alternate ways of doing a radio show, that were definitely not just alternate universe versions of our show. While I appreciate what Janet was trying to do, taking me away from the quote unquote “real world,” I think she only delayed me having to deal with the fallout. Although, I was such a mess, it was likely for the best. Giving me a chance to “clear my ears” as the humans say.
Nassif: I don’t think humans say that. Did Janet, uh, take anything else away from the real world though? And do you happen to know where she deposited it? If she did? Just you know, as a friend?
Loaf: It’s a bit uncouth to refer to other universes as not being ‘real’. I meant it only in the context of my responsibilities, of course.
Nassif: Of course, of course. But I was specifically wondering if you saw Janet with a small copper-colored cylinder with the TARTI logo emblazoned on it. Something that kind of looks like a Multi-Asynchronous Continuous Grounding Unit For Functional Interdimensional Navigation, perhaps?
Loaf: Part of the reason my partnership with Janet is so successful is that I know what parts of her life not to ever ask her about. I’m beginning to suspect this has to do with one of those.
Nassif: I see, I see. Well, it has been nice catching up with you, old friend. Uh, I will see you, in a version of the future. My future anyway. It might be your present. Who knows?
Loaf: That is the nature of our relationship.
[squelching noises]
Muffin: Protodad, look what I got!?!
Loaf: Oh yes, what a lovely souvenir.
Nassif: Isn’t that a Flisnorp fertility statue? A bit risque for a- how old are you?
Loaf: Oh, sorry Officer Nassif. This is my broodling Muffin. Muffin, this is officer Nassif. He works for TARTI.
Muffin: Is he the one who’s trying to arrest Janet for stealing that thingy?
Loaf: Now now, Muffin. Those are only allegations that need to be proven in a court of law, but yes, this is that human.
Nassif: Nice to meet you, Muffin. I have met you before, but definitely not from your perspective. You were much older- will be? I don’t know. I feel like I say a version of this to everyone I meet.
Muffin: Oh okay! That sounds fun. How do my antlers look in the future? Are they resplendent?
Nassif: I can’t tell you that. It might create a paradox.
Muffin: Janet says paradoxes are no big deal! Please don’t arrest Janet. She’s nice. She gave me so many snacks.
Nassif: I, uh, well, it’s very complicated, but paradoxes are definitely a big deal. I have to go now.
Loaf: But you haven’t even touched your trifle!
Nassif: It’s all yours!
*footstep sounds, followed by a phone ringing*
Nassif: Yeah, it’s me. This isn’t working. I’ve looped the conversation fifteen times- Loaf doesn’t betray Janet in any situation. ...No, I’m not really interested in kidnapping a child, Janet. Yes, I am an expert at emotions and their manipulation. I success- I successfully ingratiated myself into the conversation. In Interrogation 101, I was the best student. No, not- IT was not a REMEDIAL class, time travel academy does not have remedial classes. You know this, Janet. Anyway, I’m trying a different lead. If you want to try, be my guest! I’m not getting mercury poisoning again.
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This min-episode features Ramy AbdelGhani as Nassif. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.