Loaf, Janet, and IFM2 intern Sam team up for another episode revolving around hypernet dating. While also discussing their own experiences, they answer letters about accidentally catfishing yourself, and how to date when your isolationist cult dictates that you remain extremely average. Also: a rapid-fire round that breaks down what the most common dating profile phrases really mean!
Content note: Discussions of sex and sexuality
Sam: You don’t like any of them?
Janet: Suits with Sam, Soliloquies with Sam, Socratic Dialogues with Sam… None of these make sense.
Sam: Hey, you crossed off half of them!
Janet: Well, yeah! Because I’m not running a segment called Smooching with Sam, Snuggling with Sam, OR Seduction with Sam as you are a child. It is frankly stretching it to have you on this episode at all.
Sam: I date!
Janet: Unfortunately, I do know all about that.
Sam: Swiping with Sam?
Janet: No. You know what? Fine. Ugh. If Loaf says yes, fine, but you don’t get to answer anything about sex - you shouldn’t even be on dating apps!
Sam: Oh cOME ON. I’m omnipotent! Or at least I was. Anyway, I still know everything about sex!
Janet: First of all, that would be omniscient. Also, you went to school in the midwest.
Loaf: Midwest of what, exactly?
Janet: It doesn’t matter. Did you like any of the segment names?
Loaf: I think we’re going to go with “A segment with Sam” for now, and we can get more specific later. It’s, uh, time to start the show.
Sam: SPECIFICS WITH SAM!
[Theme song plays.]
Loaf: Greetings, listeners! I’m Loaf, here with my cohost Janet and Station Intern Sam for a very special Solutions to Problems. Say hello everyone!
Sam: Hi Universe!
Janet: Hello! Since last season’s hypernet dating episode was so popular, we are back again with new questions! Unfortunately, FAQs with Frankie has been cancelled as she threatened to quit if we made her do it again. We are very sorry. I’m not. For reasons mysterious to me, the powers that be have declared Sam her replacement, despite her being a teenager and believing that people are honest when they say they ‘still want to be friends.’
Sam: Um, he does still want to be my friend. He’s just been like, super busy and not answering my text messages.
Janet: It’s been four months. He doesn’t even have a job. In summer. What could he possibly be doing?
Sam: Whatever it is, it’s just super important, okay! Obviously. Because we’re still friends.
Loaf: Anyway, Sam will be helping us out later in the show by reading some questions from our readers. We recently were guests on… another show where listeners called in to question the hosts directly and have unanimously decided to never do that here. So for anyone tuning in for the first time, this is Solutions to Problems, the show where we provide [SYNOMYM FOR SOLUTION] for your [SYNONYM FOR PROBLEM AS A METAPHOR FOR ANSWERING QUESTIONS]. Please send any questions you might have to problemsrequiringsolutions@gmail.com or just [IMPLAUSIBLE BUT FANCIFUL FORM OF COMMUNICATION TO INTRODUCE LEVITY TO THE INTRODUCTION]
Janet: Sam, you were supposed to fill those in!
Sam: We were working on it! But then - the thing happened, with the, you know, dimensions and then we got distracted and forgot.
Janet: Okay, whatever. Let’s just, ugh, Loaf, why didn’t you just make something up?
Loaf: Not all species are as inclined to random improvisation as humans, Janet.
Janet: That’s. That’s just a lie. You make things up constantly- Did you even notice? Oh my god, you didn’t notice we didn’t fill anything in. Alright, let’s just forget this ever happened and-
Sam: Okay, just give me a sec-
Janet: PUT DOWN YOUR MAGIC HANDS. THAT WAS FACETIOUS. Someone, play the letter, plEAsE.
Salutations Loaf and Janet,
Can you guys help me figure out why I am constantly misunderstanding people when I message with them on dating apps? For example, I spent weeks talking with “HeavyMetalFan411” thinking we had a shared love of Titanium Dirigible, but it turns out I was chatting with a sentient cooling system- an actual heavy, metal fan. This isn’t the first time this has happened though. Another one had the name “BITCOINCOLLECTOR” and I assumed they shared my love of vintage cryptocurrency. It turned out they actually just collect regular coins with bites taken out of them. Finally, I like to dabble in BDSM and I’m more of a dom so sometimes I’m looking for a sub. But I keep ending up on dates with substitute teachers, sentient submersibles, and once I thought I was setting up a date and I was really just ordering a sandwich. (It was delicious though, so not a total loss.) Anyway what do I do? Is text-based communication just not for me?
Sincerely
Accidentally Catfishing myself
Sam: So why don’t you just like, ask more questions? Duuhh. It seems like most of this could be cleared up super easily.
Janet: If we knew that, we would be out of a job. There are almost no species who want to communicate things clearly as a natural instinct, apparently. There is a weirdly consistent myth amongst multiple cultures that being elusive and or hard to get are attractive qualities, despite neither of those qualities actually being attractive.
Loaf: I think a lot of people are also afraid of asking questions because they think it makes them look unsure of themselves. This can be related to gender presentation, though we don’t know the letter-writer’s gender. But many species do see asking for clarification as a sign of weakness.
Janet: Yeah, some entities definitely also see it as a power thing? Like, being cool and elusive or whatever makes you the more powerful one. It’s confusing to me why making each other miserable is a key part of so many early courting rituals, when I typically save that for the end of a relationship.
Sam: Uhh, this person should still just ask more questions though?
Janet: I mean, yeah, obviously, but like, people don’t like it when we just say one obvious thing and move on. We have to act like there’s something to debate about.
Loaf: Or just go off on a tangent until it feels like we’ve discussed the letter sufficiently. Sometimes we do that. Oh by the way, I’ve actually signed up for a few dating apps, now that my relationship status has changed. I don’t know if I told you. It has been an… interesting experience.
Janet: … I- I helped you set up your profile, but um, tell us an interesting anecdote!
Loaf: Obviously I told you, Janet. I was talking to our listeners, I didn’t remember if I’d told them yet. So I went on a date, last week actually. My first hypernet date. And it turned out they were actually a fan of the show.
Sam: Oh my gosh, you had like, a famous person dating experience! Do you think I’m famous now?
Janet: No.
Sam: Tell us more, Loaf!
Loaf: It was interesting. They didn’t make the connection that I was *that* Loaf until halfway through dinner. But then it became unnerving, since they knew far more about my personal life than I was comfortable with.
Janet: Oh yeah, that’s sooo awkward. You’ll be talking to someone, and it turns out they read your social feeds and know about your one AM ice cream nightmares.
Sam: Oh yeah, I remember that. I almost sent some rum raisin to your place that morning.
Janet: Wow, that’s so rude Sam. I would be so proud if you had actually done that.
Sam: Well I can-
Janet: No, the moment’s over. Loaf, what did this have to do with catfishing?
Loaf: Oh, did I not mention that part? Their mother was from a feline subspecies and their father was from an aquatic one, so they actually are a cat/fish.
Janet: That’s not really relevant to this question at all.
Loaf: It’s a surprisingly attractive combination of genes.
Janet: Yeah, okay! I’m not gonna respond to that. I think that’s it for this one. Letter writer, you are uniquely bad at text communication and need to video chat or like ask more questions or something. Honestly. The fact that this has been a recurring problem in your life is probably indicative of a larger pattern of dysfunction.
Samantha: Hooray! We solved the problem! (snaps fingers) Champagne!
[Sound of pouring champagne]
Janet: You're too young to like champagne.
Samantha: All the kids were drinking it at prom!
Janet: What kind of rich kid in a John Hughes prom were you at? We barely even had prosecco!
Samantha: John Hughes?
Janet: I’m so old.
(Phone rings)
(whispered) Hi Loaf. Hi Janet.
I can't really give you too much information about myself, because I'm off the grid. I'm having a friend record this letter because I don't want my voice imprint out there in radiophonic space. So, I belong to a group of anonymous anti-capitalist monkfish who believe in the full protection of the public's privacy, security, and personal data. We believe the best way to evade government tracking and fight identity theft is to blend in and be as average as possible. We leave no trace on the hypernet aside from a series of boring and generic social media accounts, and we live in a series of nondescript buildings, warehouses, and communes.
While I truly believe in our principles, my love life has recently put them to the test. After my last breakup, I've found myself wanting to explore other types of relationships: tongue-branded quartets, tickle-based monogamy, non-heteronormative cuddling, etc. I've forgotten how hard it is to date on the hypernet if you do not agree that you are exceptional. Individuality reigns supreme! Do I really have to surrender my data and my averageness to a series of large faceless dating corporations just to have a chance at love, or to at least further understand my sexuality? I feel no one would be better at helping me out then your highly distinctive, yet gleefully capitalistic program.
Sincerely,
You will never find me, but you should really, really consider joining us
Loaf: It is possible to be so ordinary that your sheer commitment to mundanity makes you extraordinary. It’s an interesting paradox.
Sam: I guess I wouldn’t know anything about that. Never having been, like, normal in any way.
Janet: Except for having the most trite and cliche problems of anyone I’ve interacted with, and that’s coming from someone who once dated a piece of accounting software.
Sam: I feel like I’m getting better about that though? Like, I’m a radio show intern now. That’s, like, a personality trait.
Janet: No, it’s a thing you’re doing. Your job or your hobby isn’t a personality, despite what starship pilots and homebrewers want us to think. For our letter writer, are you trying to live a mundane life, or are you only giving the appearance of living a mundane life? Most entities, even the most truly, truly boring of entities, do have at least one aspect that makes them unique or desirable to potential partners and or advertisers. I think your larger problem is going to be finding a partner that is also willing to eschew social media and vacation photos. I am wondering if you’ve tried dating other entities who subscribe to your belief system.
Loaf: You may be overestimating the reach of the hypernet. You’d be surprised how many beings out there are either intentionally avoiding giving out their data for religious reasons or are just completely flummoxed by all manner of digital technology.
Sam: So, if you decide that you need to be more individual, I’ve found it’s wayyyy easier to make myself more individual by listing things I hate than listing things I like. It is so easy to hate things! Like, if a boy is annoying, bam, I hate him, I’m more individual now. I don’t really hypernet date because my high school is really small, but like, if I did, I could add to that list soooo fast.
Janet: That’s soo true, Sam. There are also events that focus on helping entities date in person. Like, singles mixers, speed dating events…? That stuff! While the dating pool is smaller, none of those activities require an interesting internet presence.
Loaf: You could also type up a dating profile, print out several copies of it, and staple them to trees, maybe with a phone number, or just a “if you’re interested, meet me at this spot at sundown”.
Janet: Don’t use staples! That’s not environmentally friendly. Just stab it onto the branches. They’re pointy for a reason.
Loaf: You didn’t say in your letter how you feel about dating AIs, but there are some who are specifically programmed to be as non-descript as possible - well, not exactly “programmed” so much as “emerged organically from procedurally generated fake dating profiles.” Anyway, since they created themselves from datasets of entities looking for love, these entities are always looking for love, and they’re aggressively average. You might be a good fit for one.
Janet: Eugh. Yeaahh, I don’t recommend that. They’re really good at looking for love, but they absolutely don’t know what to do when they find it. When you’re based on people’s short, unreliable summaries of themselves, you don’t really learn follow through or emotional intimacy. Again, I’m not sure why you’re not trying to date the other people in your commune thing. Loneliness kind of comes with the territory of joining an isolationist cult. By the way, how committed are you to this cult? Like, maybe the best way to explore your lovelife and sexuality is just to explore. Try out other lifestyles for a while. Hypernet date, go to clubs, dance, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Loaf: And you can always make up fake data if your really scared of your real information getting out there.
Sam: Did we do it? Did we solve the problem?
Janet: Eh, we don’t know. We did offer many possible solutions though, which is really all we can do in a perfunctory but entertaining manner.
Sam: Hooray! Cham-
Janet: No- no champagne.
Sam: Aww!
Janet: We are working professionals! We have already had one instance of drunkenness this season and I will not watch this show go down the gutter!
Loaf: Well, I believe it’s time to move into the last portion of our program, which is a new segment we’re trying out. We’re calling it-
Sam: SPECIFICS WITH SAM!
Janet: I guess, given some of the other suggestions, that that is the best one, and I’m okay with that.
Sam: SEXY SPECIFICS WITH SAM!
Janet: No. We are calling it ‘Segment with Sam’ and all other ideas are banned because you’re being incorrigible. Before we move into our segment, however, we have a message from our sponsors.
Loaf: Today's sponsor is Dopeamean. That’s M-E-A-N. Love that rush of adrenaline you get rewarded with after you are mean to someone on the hypernet? Don't want to deal with the consequences of your actions and work to be a better and more empathetic person? Try Dopamean, the latest smart drug and nutritional supplement, which mimics the rush you get when you feel like you’ve completely owned someone in the comments section of a video. I’m not sure this product is particularly in line with our show’s values? But I guess it is an alternative to actually mistreating someone.
Janet: Hm, artificial cruelty is just so unsatisfying, you know? Whatever, it’s money. Okay, so, time for our exciting final segment.
Sam: We’re going to be going through common phrases from dating profiles and decoding what they REALLY mean.
Janet: Which is like, Loaf and Sam are going to read the phrases, and I’m going to actually translate them since neither of them are really dating app pros yet. Not really sure why this is our segment with Sam when like, I’m really the powerhouse of this segment. Like, it should be like, prom dress shopping with Sam or rating boy bands with Sam, and actually that sounds pretty fun and let’s do that later, but it’s not super important I guess. ALRIGHT. Hit me with the first one.
Sam: Okay, so the first common phrase is “I’m adventurous.”
Janet: Oh, super easy. It means, “I went on a vacation once, and I learned it's good self branding.”
Loaf: Next is, “I love to travel.”
Janet: Also classic. “I feel best when I'm able to run away from my current reality.” Like, ugh, whooo doesn’t.
Sam: This one is a little longer. Uh… “You must know who you are and what you want and have the time and space in your life for someone else."
Janet: “I certainly don't have it together, so at least one of us has to.”
Loaf: Ah, I believe I can translate the next phrase. “I’m honest” tends to mean “If someone tells you I am a liar, it means they are, in fact, a liar.”
Janet: Oh, Sam, you can probably do this one. “No drama.”
Sam: OH YEAH. It means they looove drama and are super dramatic.
Janet: Yeah, it could mean that! Or it could mean “I'm so emotionally fragile that if you call out any of my behavior or ask me to do any emotional labor I'll consider you to be too dramatic for me.” Although like, to be fair, I think a little drama is super fun. People are too anti-drama. Like, if you’re a dramatic person, you should just own that. You are so important to keeping the world baseline entertaining.
Loaf: I see this next phrase a lot, "I'm just looking for entities to go on adventures with."
Janet: Ahh, I feel like that’s like, “I have trouble finding interesting things to do, so I need you to find them for me.” You don’t NEED other people to do adventures, duh. You just do the adventure. Buy your own MX5000! Who cares!
Sam: Or they’re, like, just looking for a Role-playing group and they’re on the wrong website?
Janet: Oh, that’s so possible. TABLE TOP ROLE PLAY IS NOT A KINK, PEOPLE. Also, what a mainstream hobby, you know? Everyone and their dog does table top. Ugh. But I am looking for people for my cyberpunk candy dystopia set in 24f, so hit me up if that sounds like a good time. My handle’s on our website.
Loaf: Okay, moving along: "I don't take myself or this site too seriously"
Janet: “This is my disclaimer so my inappropriate behavior and/or language can’t be held against me or taken seriously.” Oh, this next one is sooo annoying. “I’m an entrepreneur.”
Loaf: Ah, yes. I find this one has two common interpretations. They either are in an multi-level marketing scheme, or have many far fetched and/or generic business ideas that they will never actually act on.
Sam: How about "Just testing the waters” or “Just checking this site out"?
Janet: Mmm. Probably means they’re not actually on the market, but just want to see if other beings still find them attractive. They want to see what their options would be like if they decided to leave their current partners.
Sam: Gross! Oh, hey I think I know the next one.
Loaf: Go for it.
Sam: “Just trying to go with the flow" - this is like, if I like you, I'll align all my thoughts and opinions to yours because I have no confidence in my actual personality and/or I don’t have a sufficiently well-developed sense of self.
Janet: Excellent. Very astute! Next?
Loaf: What does it mean if all of their profile pictures are group shots?
Janet: Um, maybe they just love their friends! sighs Or, maybe that just means their friends are more attractive than they are, or at least they think they are, and they’re hoping you’ll just assume they’re the most attractive person in the photo.
Sam: Worth a shot! Uh.. "Looking for friends first and then we'll see where it goes"
Janet: That means “I am fundamentally confused about the concept of a dating app.” Next!
Sam: Yeah, even I know that! You don’t use dating apps to make friends, you use hook-up apps.
Janet: Do you? Do you use hook up apps?
Sam: Yeah, for hooking up as friends.
Janet: Uh-huh. And you’ve like, tried this out.
Sam: No, but that’s what Tyler uses them for.
Janet: Oh! Okay. Tyler. Okay, cool, we’ll be having a conversation about Tyler later. Let’s uh, let’s move on before I think too hard about this. Oh, I used to have one of these before I felt ethically compromised about owning snurblatches. "My snurblatch is my world / I love being a snurblatch mom or dad / Just here to look at all the cute snurblatches / I probably just swiped right for your snurblatch / I’m obsessed with my snurblatch / Just searching for my snurblatch's co-parent / I will never love anyone as much as I love my snurblatch"
Loaf: I will never prioritize you over my pet, which is also what I have in lieu of a personality.
Janet: That was cold, Loaf. Snurblatches are soft and NICE and VERY IMPORTANT to me.
Sam: I want to read the next phrase. Umm, “I’m over the bar/club scene.” But like, it’s so cool. They have alcoholic beverages there.
Janet: So, alcohol is not actually that interesting, but usually that means “I’ve gotten older and everyone there has gotten younger so I don’t fit in anymore and also it’s loud and I need to be at work on time tomorrow.” Which. Like. So real. Mood. Oh, this one is SO easy. “Must be open minded” ALWAYS means “I’m into some weird stuff so be ready.”
Loaf: I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of that one.
Janet: Oh. Okay. How about “I’m such a nerd.”
Sam: I mean, everyone is kind of a nerd, but, like, if they say “I’m such a nerd” they probably mean if you’re not exactly the right kind of nerd or you don't like this very specific piece of media that I like, I won't be able to relate to you and I’ll just spout obscure references you don’t understand.
Loaf: Sounds like you have some experience with this.
Sam: Yeah, last year when Janet asked me to try having hobbies I ended up dating someone I met in an anime club. I try not to think about it too much.
Janet: Hey, that could’ve gone way better! They just liked bad anime. Ahh, what’s next. “I love to go hiking.” This one’s like… “I needed to add an interest that shows I do things outside of the city and this seems to be the easiest one to fake.” Unless they have a picture of hiking, then it’s probably just true.
Sam: Interesting. I do see that one a lot. Oh, this next phrase is silly. “I’m equally comfortable dressing up to go out and have a good time, as well as staying in and watching a movie." Like what? Like what does this even mean?
Loaf: It’s really remarkable how little information that statement conveys given how many words it contains.
Janet: Um, I think it’s something like, “Hello, I will do any kind of date. This reveals nothing about me because that would be too much effort or it’s too vulnerable to admit to liking literally anything.”
Sam: Last one guys! “I’m looking for my partner in crime.”
Janet: I hate this one! I'm so tired of because people are never actually into crime! It's so disappointing! Like, it just means you want a romantic partner, but you’re worried that saying that isn’t quirky or fun enough. NO DUH. WE’RE ON A DATING APP. WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR ROMANTIC PARTNERS, just at different commitment levels, except for the three people who think it’s a good place to make friends, which we’ve already covered. Honestly, join a meetup or a message-board or something. Wow. Well, I think we imparted a lot of dating related knowledge to our listeners today.
Sam: Yeah! This has been so much fun to do. I had a great time and I hope all of our listeners enjoyed it as much as me. Thanks Loaf and Janet. Fingers crossed that we can do another “Sexily Specific Segments with Sam” sometime soon!
Loaf: That is definitely not what we’re calling it. But it is time for us to go. Until next time, don’t go looking for friends in all the love places.
[credits]
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by and features the voices of Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Our theme is by Thomas Dwyer. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. The voice of Sam is Phoenix Bunke. The voice of Officer Nassif is Ramy AbdelGhani.
This episode’s letters were read by Yehya Barakat and Sasha Ehrhardt. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back in two weeks with more Solutions to Problems.
Nassif: I will set up the time coordinates for their next broadcast at IFM2. There is an open nodule here that will put us right inside their studio.
Lawful Janet: Have you learned nothing about Janets? It’s probably a temporal trap that will divert us back to our last known location, and I for one never want to see the inside of an transdimensional hyperbus again.
Nassif: At least you didn’t have to sit next to a snoring Venus fly trap. I’m covered in time flies. And I wasn’t even having fun.
Lawful Janet: We must go to the station ourselves. Officer Kzmak will drive us. I have a plan that will get us in there quite easily.
Nassif: I’m only trusting you on this because you’re a Janet. But ok, I’ll file the paperwork. The sweet, sweet paperwork of justice.