Loaf and Janet hang out at a karaoke bar with their alternate universe counterparts (Lavender, Frankie, and Beta Janet), and show how their singing, drinking, and flirting skills are just as highly polished as their advice giving.
Content Note for alcohol
[Loaf sings the end of a song. The lyrics are incomprehensible except for the the line “And it smells so much like you”]
[There is a weak, scattered applause and the sound of Loaf returning to their table.]
Lavender: I don’t think that number was quite in your vocal range old chap.
Beta Janet: [very softly] I thought it sounded nice.
Karaoke MC: Thanks so much for that… enthusiasm, “Loaf”. Next up we have Glorbodon doing the Grapnofalian dance sensation “Total Conquest of the Heart”.
Loaf: There was one Surreal Cereal song on there, but that felt a little… self-indulgent. Plus I don’t think I was in the band in this universe- I mean, I don’t think you were in the band in this universe.
Lavender: I certainly never was.
Loaf: So it’s likely an entirely different song than it was in our universe.
Frankie: I thought you were on Broadway?
Lavender: I was, but never something so pedestrian as alternative music. I had a brief success in a revival of Cats.
Janet: Oh. Who did you play?
Lavender: T. S. Eliot’s withered corpse.
Frankie: I’m glad they changed the script for that revival. The original version was really offensive to Felinoids.
Janet: Oh, yeah, I mean, the resemblance of the actors to Felinoids is just a furry thing, like, it was literally about the Earth animal cat, except like, maybe they would’ve found it offensive too if, like, cats could read. There was this stop motion version in the 2300s that was really avant garde in its portrayal of the cats as Hello Kitty mannequins, but- Uh, you know, you’re right. It’s not a good script. [pause] ...This is nice guys! Thanks for taking us out.
Frankie: Oh yeah, how often do you get the chance to hang out with your dopplegangers. I kinda wish you’d brought my doppleganger. Haha not really, she sounds like a square.
Loaf: While her demeanor is significantly different than yours, geometrically speaking you’re basically identical.
Janet: Loaf. C’mon. You know what she meant. Our Frankie is, like… she’s fine, I! She’s just kind of a nerd. I think she would be more fun if like, she was paid appropriately for her labor, but she’s not so you totally have her beat on the fun meter.
Loaf: This is an excellent intoxicant. I wonder if this distillery exists in our universe. I’ll have to look it up.
Frankie: Probably not. All of the wheat is grown in a cooperative farm planet that also cures cancer.
Janet: Wow, our universe sucks! I’m going to go get another drink. Anyone else want one?
Loaf: I will accompany you shortly. I’m checking the foam for omens, as is customary among the Sakradome people.
Frankie: Can you check my foam for omens next? Come here, get a better angle.
Janet: I definitely really comfortable in this situation right now! Okay! Going to get a drink.
[You can hear Janet’s footsteps as she walks to the bar. The Bartender makes an inquisitive set of beeps.]
Janet: Um, yeah, can I get a- the uh- the fruity thing without alcohol.
Bartender: [affirmative beeps]
Janet [to self]: Ooh, cutie alert.
Lavender: A CUTIE INDEED. And I do believe she just hazarded a glance your way.
Janet: Oh, um Lavender. You followed me. I mean, Oh uh, she did? That’s uh, sure.
Lavender: I could assist you in making an introduction.
Janet: That’s really not necessary.
Lavender: Nonsense! Your hesitance is clear. I frequently assist my coworkers in the acquisition of paramours.
Janet: Well, that’s, sweet and not at all completely inappropriate! But like, I’ve got this. I have a whole routine that involves a half hour of obsessive optimization of at least 5 possible dialogue trees-
Loaf [sadly]: And then you just cry, right, Janet?
Janet: Ah! How are you guys sNEAKING UP ON ME. You are GIANT SLIMY- [deep breath] Uh, that was one time! Wait, Loaf, other Loaf...why are you lurching over to her- [quiet, anguished] Aaaaaaahhhhh…
Loaf: Good day, my fine glasswashing robot, can my friend buy you a drink? She is the most charming selves-obsessed human I know.
Lavender: Indeed! I have had but a short acquaintance with her, but she is very amusing and only slightly irritating.
Janet [in the background]: Oh please please please stop.
Glasswashing robot: I do not drink. And I do not like to touch glassware when I am off-duty.
Loaf: Well, she can- do-
Lavender: Something else! Perhaps she can enchant you with a crime anecdote?
Janet: I am going to actually die. I can feel myself dying. My nanobots are slowly shutting themselves down one by one out of sheer embarrassment.
Robot: My function is to wash glasses. My function is not to be enchanted by anecdotes.
Loaf: But you just said you were off duty. What are you doing in a bar if you don’t-
Robot: I enjoy being serenaded by intoxicated organics. That doesn’t mean I like to socialize with them.
Lavender: And yet you were clearly eyeing our friend when you thought we weren’t looking.
Robot: I was merely… appreciating her distinctive style. I have never encountered a human with such a large nanobot swarm embedded. It’s like she contains a tiny screaming chorus of trapped insects. She needs to improve her security protocols. Her wifi network is unsecured.
Loaf: I’m not sure if you mean that literally or if it's a euphemism.
Janet: I mean, I have it set up that way as kind of a big flag to any non-organics in the room. I mean, no, I don’t do that, that would be weird. Oops, so embarrassing, that I like, left it open, not on purpose, oh no, Melody- I mean, oh no, someone could notice and read my unencrypted emails.
Loaf: Janet, this is why we weren’t letting you speak. She’s only in this universe for one night. It could be an interesting but non-committal engagement for you. I personally love one night stands, although the standing part of the colloquialism does confuse me.
Frankie: You guys sure are taking a long time with those drinks.
Lavender: We were attempting to help Alpha Janet here engineer a romantic encounter.
Frankie: Well, you left me alone with Beta Janet.
[We briefly cut to Beta Janet, now alone at the table]
Beta Janet (singing along badly with someone who is actually on stage): I will always, always love… bread.
Frankie: You know how she gets.
Robot: Are all of your friends this nosy?
Janet: [quietly] I am so sorry.
Robot: Look, I am going to go talk to that pinball machine. It was nice meeting you.
Janet: Thanks a lot guys. My phone and I are gonna analyze this scenario until the mortification ceases enough for me to be functional again.
Lavender: You are very welcome.
MC: And now, please welcome to the stage, Loaf and Janet!
Janet: We’re doing this?
Loaf: Oh yeah, we’re doing this.
[An upbeat, bossa-nova style beat starts]
Janet: Loaf, I don’t know this song.
Loaf: What do you mean, everyone knows this song. C’mon, it’s about to start. You’ll pick it up.
Loaf and Janet (singing): Mushroom pits, giant snails, all my friends, they have tails,
Mushroom pits, giant snails, all my friends, they have tails,
We’re living on Cloud 9.
All my friends are giant squids, from Corvax 8, they don’t have kids We’re living on Cloud Nine
Loaf: You take this verse, okay?
Janet: Uh…
Robot voice: Autotune mode now on.
Janet (singing and autotuned): I like crimes, no that’s a joke, I can’t read the screen, I don’t speak this language-
Loaf: From Corvax 8, they have tails, We’re living on Cloud Nine!
Janet (still autotuned): We’re living on Cloud Nine!
[The music fades into the credits]
Michael: Solutions to Problems was created by Austin Hendricks and Nathan Comstock. It is produced and musically scored by Michael F. Gill. Season 3 was written by Austin, Nathan, and Michael. This mini episode features Valerie Loveland as Frankie and James Oliva as the MC. There’s more information about us at stppodcast.com, where you can find full transcripts of every episode as well as links to support us on PayPal and/or Radiopublic. We’ll be back again in two weeks with another mini episode. See you then!